A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she
said, “if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached
in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?” “Somebody
else’s pants.”
Author: admin
First Day
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The man says, “Can you brew tea?”
The Irishman says, “Yes.”
“Good. Can you drive a fork lift?”
The Irishman looks at him and asksy, “Why? How big is the teapot?”
MAFIA Valetine Card Verses
My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!
Pure
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.
After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Redneck crime
How come redneck murders are so hard to solve? They dont have dental records and the DNA is all the same
Kid’s Wisdom
Never trust a dog to watch your food. -Patrick, Age 10
When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. -Matthew, Age 12
Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. -Andrew, Age 9
Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. -Rocky, Age 9
Sleep in your clothes so you’ll be dressed in the morning. -Stephanie, Age 8
Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -Rosemary, Age 7
Don’t flush the toilet when you dad’s in the shower. -Lamar, Age 10
Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. -Carrol, Age 9
Never bug a pregnant mom. -Nicholas, Age 11
Don’t ever be too full for dessert. -Kelly, Age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. -Heather, Age 16
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. -Michael, Age 14
Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. -Joel, Age 12
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. -Alyesha, Age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. -Laura, Age 13
Never spit when on a roller coaster. -Scott, Age 11
Never do pranks at a police station. -Sam, Age 10
Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it’s moving. -Rob, Age 10
Never tell your little brother that you’re not going to do what your mom told you to do. -Hank, Age 12
Remember you’re never too old to hold your father’s hand. -Molly, Age 11
Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. -Chelsey, Age 7
Stay away from prunes. -Randy, Age 9
Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. -Phillip, Age 13
Forget the cake. Go for the icing! -Cynthia, Age 8
Ya momma
your moma is so fat that when she went to the bathrom she thought that a terd was a sneckers bar
Caught by Nazis
English, french and russian soldiers are caught by nazis. they all are
sentenced to death. nazis lead them to the yard and ask if they have any last
wishes. the englishman says:
– a mug of beer.
he is brought a beer. the frenchman says:
– a bottle of wine.
he is brought some wine. the russian says:
– kick me in the butt real hard.
a big 2-meter tall nazi steps forward and gives him a real mighty boot. the
russian flies several meters, falls to the ground like a piece of s***, jumps to
his feet, grabs a machine gun from one of the nazis, shoots them down and then
the three prisoners run away. after a while the other two ask him:
– why didn’t you do that earlier? we were almost killed!
– we russians cannot do anything unless someone kicks our butt!
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
It’s legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
Tracks In The Woods
Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a
set of tracks.
“Looks like deer tracks”, said one blonde.
“No, it looks like maybe a cow track,” another blonde suggested.
“Actually, I think they are just dog tracks,” the third blonde
offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them!
Brand New Cock
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her
that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten
years and had wanted a baby very badly. she got on a bus, and on
her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with
someone.
The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to
share the good news with. Sir, she said, I just received the
best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with
someone or I’ll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had
told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience. He
said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying
eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning
and all of his hens had layed eggs. I was so happy, “but
confidentially, I changed cocks.” he said. The newly pregnant
woman responded, “Confidentially, me too.”
on death's door
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”