Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.The second smiled, “That’s nothing” he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.The third grinned and said “You two didn’t have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.
Author: admin
Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
It’s legal to play hockey professionally.
The puck is always hard.
The protective equipment is reusable.
It lasts a full hour.
You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.
Periods last only 20 minutes.
A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
You can count on it at least twice a week.
Your parents cheer when you score.
You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
Alien’s Log Book
Sure, it seems easy beine a space alien. You’ve got your x-ray vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual with most glamour jobs, there’s a lot of nitty gritty work the public doesn’t get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from…
S P A C E A L I E N ‘ S L O G B O O K
***********************************************
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.
1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber’s house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.
3:00 PM It’s Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of “Weekly World News” with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements.
6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
Just when you thought you
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race
along come faster rats.
The President’s Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and
hollering.
“What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!”
The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
dumb
yo mama soooo fat she walked out side wit a yellow shirt on and someoan yelled “TAXI” “TAXI”.
y did the coach go 2 the bank?
1 day a man went to the bank. He wented to get his qurter-back.
Car’s Sound System
A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, “When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work.”
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.
He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old
Willie Nelson started singing.
“Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.
“Easy listening,” he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.
He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.
“Stupid bitches!” he screamed.
The radio immediately blurted out, “So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want…”
Tracks In The Woods
Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a
set of tracks.
“Looks like deer tracks”, said one blonde.
“No, it looks like maybe a cow track,” another blonde suggested.
“Actually, I think they are just dog tracks,” the third blonde
offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them!
Expression
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute!” said the writer, “this is just as bad as hell.”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
Redneck crime
How come redneck murders are so hard to solve? They dont have dental records and the DNA is all the same
Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”And he did!The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!”The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!”And he did!So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! “The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!”So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down.”While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. Then they got back into their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf bleeding on the street.The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”And the brick pig said, “Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs.”