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The Catholic Service

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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

Athius in the boat

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The Athius is in a boat and he’s floating on loch ness lake.
Then a loch ness monster comes up and grabs him out of the boat.
He then pray for god to help him.

God said,”Why should I help you? you don’t even believe in me.”
“Please do one thing for me,” said the Athius, “Just make the
monster a Christian.” “So be it,” said God. God then
disappeared, and the monster said, “Dear father bless this food
we are about to recieve.”

Back Seat

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A guy took a blonde out on a date.

Eventually they ended up parked at lover’s point where they started making out.

After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”

“No!” she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she’s not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”

“No!” she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

“Do you want to go in the back seat?” he asks again.

“No!” she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, “Well why not?”

“Because I want to stay up here with you!”

The Airplane

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A pilot was flying a 747 full of passengers as a voice cracked
over the radio.

It said, “This is Ground Control. Please divert your course 5
degrees east. Over.”

The pilot was slightly confused and responded, “10-4, but why
should I divert my course?”

The voice answered, “Your plane and another 747 are about to
pass over a major city and we don’t want any excess noise.”

The pilot laughed and said, “I’m 31,000 feet up. What kind of
noise could I cause?”

Ground Control answered, “Have you ever heard the sound that
colliding 747’s make?”

Clinton To Die

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During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. “Will I be acquitted?”

Bush The Ass, War-Crazed, Is Blind

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(instrumental intro)
“War is easy!” (Duh, Duh-Buh-Ya…)
Bush can hear God callin’.
Hawking fear… hear him scream.
Bush the Loony
Has Blair’s regime fallin’.
Britain chased the oil war scheme.
Shrub’s war crime will be our crime.
Bush the ass, war-crazed, is blind.
Sayin’ nothin’…
Lyin’, the Dim Son is.
Shakin’ down those on his side.
World dissed W.
World he just dismisses.
This man mentally is fried.
Shrub’s war crime will be our crime.
Bush the ass, war-crazed, is blind.
Vile! Bush has sold war through lies,
‘Cause the world will know there’s no grounds.
Why… does the world despise
Him today? Bush hears only war sounds;
The omen he’s giving us now…
Young kids dyin’… (Duh, Duh-Buh-Ya…)
Where Shrub’s bombs are goin’
Fools the press; abides his “charms.”
Closed their eyes; don’t see Shrub’s powers growin’.
The sheep stay sleeping on their farms.
Shrub’s war crime will be our crime.
Bush the ass, war-crazed, is blind.