How many US Vice-Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
Author: admin
Hard Day at Work
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must
have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
A woman
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good
idea. The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?” She said that she did. He asked,
“Does it hurt you?” She said no. The Doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s
no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long
as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She asked, “You
can get pregnant from anal sex?” The Doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you
think lawyers come from?”
Un hombre se encuentra con
Un hombre se encuentra con un amigo y le dice, “oye chico, hace 3 d�as que tengo una ronquera y no se me quita con nada”.
Y el amigo le contesta; “muchacho, as� estaba yo la semana pasada, pero cog� a la mujer m�a y le di esa mamada, que se me quito todo”.
Y dice el hombre, “�pues que hacemos? Vamos para all� o t� me la traes para ac�.
National Pastime
Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I’ll show you a
man who never played doctor when he was a kid!
Quotes on Politics
“There are no permanent alliances, only permanent interests.”
– Lord Palmerston, 19th century British Foreign Secretary
***
One fateful day, Madeleine Albright walked into a NATO meeting. Seeing that
she was the only female in the room, she asked, “So, Gentlemen, shall we make
love or war?” The vote was unanimous.
***
On the other hand, Rome
On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.
Super Jerk
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the empire state building
when the first man turns to the other and says, “you know, last week i
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall
to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “what are you a nut? there is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, “let me prove it to you.”
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar. he met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, i saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke.”
“No, i’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hell,” the second guy says, “it works, i’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says “you know,
superman, sometimes you can be a real a******.”
Ingredients
What are the main ingredients in VIAGRA?
HELIUM AND FIX-A-FLAT.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Yo Mama’s So Fat… High Heels #2
Yo mama’s so fat, she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops.
Actual product instructions.
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
By death
Attorney: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?