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The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must
have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so
exhausted?”
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking.”
You might be a redneck if……
You have ever put your blood hound in layaway
You have washed your dishes in the front yard with the sprinkler on the side of a busy highway
Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry
yo momma so dumb she thought a quaterback was a refund
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the empire state building
when the first man turns to the other and says, “you know, last week i
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall
to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry
you around the building and back into the window.”
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “what are you a nut? there is no way that could happen.”
“No, it’s true,” said the first man, “let me prove it to you.”
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street
below. when he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up
to the bar. he met the second man, who looked quite astonished.
“You know, i saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time
fluke.”
“No, i’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps. again just
as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, what the hell,” the second guy says, “it works, i’ll try it!”
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors …and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says “you know,
superman, sometimes you can be a real a******.”
Excerpts taken from real letters sent to ‘Dear Abby’———————————————————————-Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?– Curious———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he finally did it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like? — CarolDear Carol, Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? — WonderingDear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions? — AnnieDear Annie, Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? — SamDear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? — TedDear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.– RoseDear Rose, So would I.———————————————————————-Dear Abby, What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress? — BessDear Bess, Night and day.
I saw someone that looked like you, but then the dog turned around.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO’S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY’S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
yo mama is so poor i walked into her house and stepd on a cigeret and she said get of the family heater.