Author: admin

Problems With The Wife

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Here are a few problems and solutions you may encounter with
your wife.

Problem: Your wife wants more foreplay during sex, and you
arent really the man for the job.

Solution: Show up with 2 other girls in the bedroom and tell
her you didnt understand her, you thought she meant “four-play.”

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Problem: Shes always buying too many damn pairs of shoes.

Solution: On her birthday, paint a few of her existing shoes a
different color and wrap them up, that might keep your bank
account at more that 2 digits.

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Problem: Shes always drooling over some good-looking
celebrity like Brad Pitt, and she indirectly tells you that you
should be more like him.

Solution: Casually mention to her that Pamela Anderson Lee
looks so great with her breast implants, your wife probably will
never have tits as suculant as that, and it should shut her up
for a while.

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Problem: Shes into torture sex (whips, phone cord, handcuffs)
but its not what you think, she wants to torture YOU.

Solution: Check out as many Harry Houdini books at the library
as possible.

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Problem: During the night, without noticing it, your wife
takes more than her share of the blanket, and you’re always
feeling like a damn eskimo in the middle of the night, freezing
your ass off.

Solution: Slowly and carefully place the bathroom rug on top
of her while shes asleep. Then with your greatest stealth, pull
all of the blanket on your side for a good nights sleep.

Put that worm back in that hole

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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

My Car Will Go On…Hopefully

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Sung to the melody of My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic):

Verse 1:
Every time I start you, I hear you, I feel you
Telling me you cannot…go on.
Far away the Hyundais, the Yugos, they beat us
At 45[mph] you slowly…go on.

Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ugly car!
Once…More…I don’t lock the door
And no one’ll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

Verse 2:
The battery died that one time, and stalled me a lifetime
I watched as all the others…go on
How the kids they would laugh, the fan belts, do screech – scratch
When I drive with the fan…turned on

Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car!
Once…More…I don’t lock the door
And no one’ll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

Super-chorus: (same melody, but raised two keys)
This…year…there’s nothing I fear
I got triple-A card to go on
On…the…405 Freeway
I reach for the call box and, my life will go on and on

Baseball Heaven?

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Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and
talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do
you think there’s baseball in heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal:
if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and
if you die first, you do the same.”

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day
soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he
hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

Abe says, “Well… there is baseball in heaven.”

Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?”

Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

Blonde Pulled Over for Speeding

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A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops a
Speeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blonde
Woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she has no
identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do the cop radios for advice.

“Just stick your cock through the window.” he is told.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“Yes, just stick your cock through the window.”

So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through the window.

“Oh no!” says the blonde. “Not another breathalyzer test!”