I once had a psychic boyfriend, but before we could meet, he knew the relationship wouldn’t work..–Submitted by Alexandra B->
Author: admin
Hell is a cool place!
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, “Why so glum?”
The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”
“Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”
The guy is astounded. “Damn, that sounds great.”
“You a smoker?” the demon asked.
“You better believe it!”
“You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”
“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”
The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?”
The guy said, “Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean…”
“That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”
“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
The demon said, “You gay?”
“No.”
“Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”
Losing my mind!
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist’s office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
“Doctor, my memory’s gone. Gone! I can’t remember my wife’s name.
Can’t remember my children’s names. Can’t remember what kind of car I drive.
Can’t remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!”
“Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?”
“Like what?”
Surgical
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,
pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
There might be some matches in the top drawer.”
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of
matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally,
the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. “No, silly,” she
replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said,
nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the
girl
replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
Oldie locks
Q: What is Hillary’s new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldie locks.
Hell’s New Recruit
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says “okay stop now you’ve been relieved”.
Having puppies
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.
The Brunette says “I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.”
The Redhead replied “I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.”
Then the Blond says hesterically ” Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.”
On a bumper sticker:…
On a bumper sticker:
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Mary
Jesus is taking a walk through the streets when he sees a group of people throwing stones at a cowering adulteress.
He stops and yells to the crowd, �Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.�
All of a sudden, a huge stone comes flying out of the crowd and pegs him in the head.
Jesus stops, taken aback, then looks up and says, �Mom!�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Other NY Times Retractions
The Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199810 ”Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”9 ”We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”8 ”Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”7 ”Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”6 ”Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”5 ”It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.”’4 ”Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”3 ”Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”2 ”As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”1 ”Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”
A Nutty Game
A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ”Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ”Down nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ”Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ”Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ”PEANUTS!”
Blonde Confusion
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a circular and tell her to pee in a corner.
How does the blonde confuse you?
She pees in a corner