Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s
cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn’t punish him?”
Johnny: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
Author: admin
What do Monica Lewinsky and
What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in
common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.
You can now eat your own plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) – Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further – eat the plate.Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.Diners who don’t want to eat the items – which taste like unsalted popcorn – can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
The Top 20 Books Written for Children of Liberals
20> Willy Wonka and the American-Job-Stealing, Child-Exploiting Overseas Chocolate Factory
19> Father-in-a-Nontraditional-Role Goose
18> Green Eggs, Ham and Guv’mint Cheese
17> How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, the Winter Solstice or Your Preferred Non-Denominational, Politically Correct December Holiday
16> If Bullshit Could Fly
15> PETA and the Wolf
14> The Leonine American, the Alternative-Religion Practitioner and the Animal-Products-Free Wardrobe
13> Delirious George and the Stolen Election
12> The Fascist Republicans Stole My Cheese and Gave It to the Top 1% of the Wealthy
11> Where the Wild Things Are: A Night at the Kennedy Compound
10> The Little Boy Who Cried “Imminent Threat”
9> Mister Kucinich Eats All His Spinach!
8> The Berenstain Bears Go to California for Uncle Bear’s Wedding to Life-Partner Buford Bear
7> Nancy Drew and the Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction
6> Al Gore’s Pop-Up Book of Chads
5> You’re a Neo-Nazi Skinhead, Charlie Brown!
4> One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Mercury-Poisoned Fish Caught in an Illegal Tuna Net by an Evil Global Corporation
3> Babar Becomes a Piano!
2> George and the Giant Deficit
1> Heather Has Two Daddies, Three Mommies, Four Aunts Who Used to Be Uncles, a Leather-Clad Grandma and Several Cousins of Indeterminate Gender and/or Sexual Orientation
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
A man traveling down a country road
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle
covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a
farmer leaning on a fence. “Think it’s safe to cross?” the man asked.
“I reckon so,” replied the farmer.
The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was
so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the
surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, “I thought
you said I could safely drive through this puddle!”
“Well, shoot!” said the farmer, scratching his head. “It only come up
chest-high on my ducks!”
One morning a boy got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of chicken
wire. His father said, ‘Son, where are you going?’ The son replied, ‘I’m going
to catch me some chickens.’ The father said, ‘Son, you can’t catch chickens with
chicken wire.’ But the son insisted that he knew what he was doing.
Later on that day, the son came home with two chickens in his hand. The father
thought, ‘I guess he knows what he’s doing.’ The next morning, the son got up
and was leaving the house with some duck tape. The father said, ‘Son, where are
you going?’ The son replied, ‘I’m going to catch some ducks.’ The father yelled,
‘You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!’ The son insisted that he knew what he
was doing.
Awhile later, the son came home with two ducks under each arm. The father
thought, ‘Shoot, I guess he does know what he’s doing!’ The next morning the son
got up and was leaving the house with a hand full of puss willows. The father
said, ‘Hold up, son, let me put on my shoes!’
Three blondes
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them
that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter
asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy!
It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are
thankful…” “Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the
holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate
the birth of Jesus.” St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in
disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third
blonde and asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks
St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter,
incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper
and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his
disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side,
made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his
hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year
the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his
shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
Oldie locks
Q: What is Hillary’s new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldie locks.
Other NY Times Retractions
The Top 10 Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 199810 ”Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”9 ”We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”8 ”Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”7 ”Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”6 ”Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”5 ”It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.”’4 ”Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”3 ”Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”2 ”As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”1 ”Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”
Afraid
Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.
Quotes about Bill Clinton
1. The reason it’s always so difficult for this president to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it’s usually three
different stories…Sam Donaldson.
2. If the president could convince every women in America that the Bible says
oral sex is not adultery he’d even have my votes…. Newt Gingrich
3. What’s wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same
thing…Kenneth Starr
4. The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire
Grand Jury…Monica Lewinsky
5. Shouldn’t the president be held to the same standard as a TV
Sportscaster….Marv Albert
6. The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find
the real person who had oral sex with the intern…OJ Simpson
7. If I had to spend all day trying to find a job for every bimbo who swore
she didn’t have sex with the president, I’d never get any of my own work
done….Vernon Jordan
8. Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door
is locked…. George Stephanopoulos
9. The FBI reports less crime in the U.S. for the sixth straight year, “It is
no wonder� said one observer.” All of Clinton’s business associates are either
dead or in prison already.”
10. One thing’s for sure about Clinton… he sure doesn’t neglect domestic
affairs!!!
11. Is it true that, they are changing the name of the Virgin Islands, since
Clinton’s been there?
12. They should call the Clinton’s White House the “New Left.” I mean, they’re
so far from being right about anything.
Having puppies
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.
The Brunette says “I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.”
The Redhead replied “I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.”
Then the Blond says hesterically ” Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.”
Hell is a cool place!
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, “Why so glum?”
The guy responded, “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
“Hell’s not so bad,” the demon said. “We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?”
“Sure,” the man said, “I love to drink.”
“Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!”
The guy is astounded. “Damn, that sounds great.”
“You a smoker?” the demon asked.
“You better believe it!”
“You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?”
“Wow, the guy said, “that’s awesome!”
The demon continued. “I bet you like to gamble.”
“Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
“Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?”
The guy said, “Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean…”
“That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!”
“Wow,” the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, “I never realized Hell was such a cool place!”
The demon said, “You gay?”
“No.”
“Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays!”