Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. ”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?” ”I don’t have to run faster than that tiger,” his friend replied. ”I just have to run faster than you.”
Author: admin
Only a Blonde
Q. What do you do whan a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, because she’s got a grenade in the other hand
Unreal Court Rulings
1. January 2000. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
2. June 1998. Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over Carl’s hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice that someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
3. October 1998. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was exiting a house he had finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up as the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door between the garage and the house had locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr.Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance company, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
4. October 1999. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard. Mr. Williams was also in the yard. The award was less than the amount sought because the jury felt that the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams, who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two front teeth. This occurred when Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie if I can just remember how they did
this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again…
Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of ’em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
I don’t know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let’s hurry; I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he’s still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I’ve performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
Monica lewinskiy and the pop machine
what do monica lewinskiy and a pop machine both have in common they both say insert bill here
Can I borrow that mule?
Her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place, visited a
newlywed farmer and his wife. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to
his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes,
offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new
bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up
and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake
his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a
terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would
ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘can�t. It’s
all booked up for a year.’
CHILDREN
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating Heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Yes WAY!”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did Not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
A Deep Breath
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once
in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep
breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with
the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished,
the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives
under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker
and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth
encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath
of fresh air, dives under the bed… and finds four Chinese men.
After Sex
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”
The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”
“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.
The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”
“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”
His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”
Knitting Blonde
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs.”No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”
Mating cats
Veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from
tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and
a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went
happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an
elderly lady’s voice.
“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of cats on the
roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can’t get to sleep. What can I
do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied
“Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”
“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”