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Tried it once

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A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.

“No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.”

Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Quotable Beer Quotes

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If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your nose – Jack Handy

It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.

Beer – It’s just not for breakfast anymore.

Beer – Natures Laxative.

One more and I’ll be under the host – Dorothy Parker

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. – Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton

A drink a day, keeps the shrink away. – Edward Abbey

People who drink “light” beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery WI

Put it back in the horse!! – H. Allen Smith after his first American beer.

On the seventh day He brewed beer. – Bill Bradshaw

Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.

Blondie Gets A Haircut

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A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she’s wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn’t cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying “Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.”

Company buzz words

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New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90’s

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped
and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for
assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the
Return key and the Power On key.

You can now eat your own plate

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Taipei, Taiwan (AP) – Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further – eat the plate.Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.Diners who don’t want to eat the items – which taste like unsalted popcorn – can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

Knitting Blonde

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A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver’s window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!” at the top of his lungs.”No!” the blonde yelled back, “Scarf!”

CHILDREN

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Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating Heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Yes WAY!”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did Not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

THINGS YOUR MOM WOULD NEVER SAY

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* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
* Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.
* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.
* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him
every day.
* Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.
* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a
prison around here.
* I don’t have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.
* Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.