TV Surfing

One day Jared was surfing the TV channels. He came to the first
channel and it was drag racing. Then he went to the second
channel and it was wrestling. Then he went to the third channel
and it was sewing. Then he went to the last channel and it was
TLC (The Learning Channel) and they were showing babies being
born.

So he went back to the first channel and this is how it sounded:
“And they’re off! (changes channel )He’s on top of her! She’s on
top of him! (changes channel) In and out, in and out. (changes
channel) And the baby has safely been born.”

Fighting for Virginia

The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he’d been run over by a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, “What happened?”The guy chugged the beer and said, “I was fighting for Joanne’s virginity.””No kidding?””Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it.”

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

Bran Muffins

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

Quotable Beer Quotes

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer it makes the beer shoot out of your nose – Jack Handy

It’s better to have a beer in hand than gas in the tank.

Beer – It’s just not for breakfast anymore.

Beer – Natures Laxative.

One more and I’ll be under the host – Dorothy Parker

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. – Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton

A drink a day, keeps the shrink away. – Edward Abbey

People who drink “light” beer don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery WI

Put it back in the horse!! – H. Allen Smith after his first American beer.

On the seventh day He brewed beer. – Bill Bradshaw

Reality is the illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

The problem with jails is they have wrong type of bars in there.

Tried it once

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for martinis.

“No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.”

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course. “I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“No, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.”

Just then a young man enters the office. “Let me introduce my son, Bill,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Why Parents Age So Fast

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “no”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me”