Q: How do you scare a man?A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Author: admin
Blonde joke
There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead.
They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare African tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.
First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called, “1-2-3”, but before they could shoot she yelled, “TORNADO!”, and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.
Then the redneck stepped up and they aimed and yelled, “1-2-3”, but before they could shoot she screeched, “FLOOD!”, and everyone jumped and climbed up the nearest tree. The redhead took advantage and ran away. They got really mad and swore but did not go after her, as they didn’t like people yelling fake incidents.
Then the blonde stepped up and she thought that yelling a mother nature disaster was a good idea. They yelled, “1-2-3”, and the blonde yelled, “FIRE!”
Men Are Like…
1. Men are like department stores…
they should always have their clothes half off.
2. Men are like vacations…
they never seem to last long enough.
3. Men are like chocolate bars…
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like coffee…
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
6. Men are like horoscopes…
they always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.
7. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store and the rest they
spend in the bathroom.
8. Men are like cement…
after getting laid, it takes them a long time to get hard.
Beer brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please�.
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately
sip one, then the other, and then the third until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them
cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re
low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia,
and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night
we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts
too and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the
guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes
in and orders only two. He drinks them, and then orders two more. The bartender
sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry
that one of your brothers died�.
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking�.
Pierre the Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!”
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie.
“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!”
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”
Se encontraba un viejito agonizando
Se encontraba un viejito agonizando en su cama, cuando de pronto el miembro se le endurece y comienza a gritar:
“�VIEEEEJAAAA, VIEEEJAAAA!”
Y la esposa viejita comienza a subir por las escaleras para llegar donde esta su esposo, pero como era tan anciana se demor� bastante y cuando lleg� al cuarto, el viejito la rega��, le dijo que eso casi nunca suced�a y cuando llegaba a pasar ella no llegaba, que a la proxima llegara m�s pronto.
Pasaron dos d�as y el viejito, que estaba cada vez m�s enfermo, comenz� a gritar:
“�VIEEEJAAAA, VIEEEJAAAAA”
Sale corriendo la viejita y en el camino se quita la falda, por las escaleras la blusa y calzones, abre esa puerta y se lanza sobre el viejito, y este le dice:
“�Ayyyy vieja, yo muriendome y usted pensando en cochinadas!”
On Tour With A Gay Guy
Jason Bertch got to go on tour with the band Simple Plan. As he and the guys were looking out the window, they started talking.
“Wow. That one has a nice figure.” Pierre said. “With a nice shape.” David added. “It is also very firm looking.” Seb said. “It also is very big.” David added.
Suddenly Pierre looked up. “We were talking about the girls, David. Who were you talking about?” he said. David blushed. “Jason.”
you are so ugly that your momma has to tie…
you are so ugly that your momma has to tie a t-bone steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you!
Italian Lawyer
What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
Era un ni�o tan feo,
Era un ni�o tan feo, pero tan feo, que cuando naci� la mam� le pregunt� al m�dico:
“Doctor, �qu� fue? �D�game que fue!”
“No s� se�ora, �pero si se mueve lo mato!”
Good morning Girls
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls.
Time is the best teacher;
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!