Author: admin

I Can’t Swim

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There was a blonde, sitting in a rowboat, out in the middle of a huge field. She kept screaming “HELP.”

Another blonde happen to be driving by in her car and heard the first blonde yelling for help, so she pulled over to the side of the road to see what was wrong.

She yelled to the blonde sitting in the boat and asked her what was wrong.

The blonde in the boat replied, “I lost the oars and don’t know how to get out of here. Can you help me?”

The second blonde replied, “I would but I can’t swim!”

Change a light bulb

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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb.

However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for
you, that is fine.

You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including:

incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.

Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

Signs You Have a Han

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1. You’d rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “stay still.”3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give it whirl!” 8. All day long your motto is, “Never again.”9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.10. Your natural response to “Good morning,” is “Shut up!”

What do the Pubs Name?

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Hi stranger, my
name is Mike. I’ll give you a free beer if you Can guess the name of this bar in
three tries.”

The man says, “Thanks…Mike’s Place?”

“Nope.”

“Mike’s Tavern?”

“No,”

“Mike’s Pub?”

“No, but here’s a free beer anyway. Nobody ever gut�s it. The joint’s name is
Sally’s Legs!

“That’s a good one.� the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop
pulls up and asks him what he is doing there. He Responds, “I’m just waiting for
Sally’s Legs to open, so I can wet my whistle!”

The Attorney & The Devil

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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil said to the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.”

“All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

On Tour With A Gay Guy

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Jason Bertch got to go on tour with the band Simple Plan. As he and the guys were looking out the window, they started talking.
“Wow. That one has a nice figure.” Pierre said. “With a nice shape.” David added. “It is also very firm looking.” Seb said. “It also is very big.” David added.
Suddenly Pierre looked up. “We were talking about the girls, David. Who were you talking about?” he said. David blushed. “Jason.”

Police Station

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Little Johnny’s kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”