A blonde walks into a building and says rather loudly “CAN I HAVE A PORTION OF CHIPS AND A COUPLE OF SAUSAGES PLEASE?”The woman behind the counter looks puzzled and then says “I’m sorry madam, this is a library!”The blonde seems rather embarrassed and replies in a whisper “sorry, may I have portion of chips and a couple of sausages please!”
Author: admin
Men like diapers
Q: Why are men like diapers?
a: Because there always on your ass and usually full of s***.
This fellow from West Virginia was so ugly…
This fellow from West Virginia was so ugly that he couldn’t
even get laid at a family reunion.
Wanna Watch?
Guy down the pub talking to his mate
Guy: I want to buy my wife a watch for her birthday.
Mate: Why? Hasn’t the oven got a clock?
So fat
your mammas so fat for a tampon she uses a matress
Virgin Marry
Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.
The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.
The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: I’m really excited about going to heaven.
Clinton: Why’s that?
Pope: All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
Clinton: You’re a day late.
It was New Year’s Eve. By then, actually,…
It was New Year’s Eve. By then, actually, it was very early on New Year’s
morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room and wobbled his way to
the bar.
“I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.”
The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of
the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had
quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home.”
The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see…
She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to
it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”
“Tell you what,” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you?”
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah,
I got a few….”
The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket
of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what
happened, you just tell her that you were innocently passing by the bar
on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs
all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you
can get the suit dry cleaned!”
“B-br-brilliant!”, the drunk exclaims excitedly. “Thish jush might w-work!”
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling
pin in hand. “Look at you! You’re a disgrace! Look at what you’ve done
to your new suit!”
“N-no hunnybunsh,” the drunk stammers… “Y-you see, I was juss passing by
the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me,
and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can
get my suit drykleened…”
The wife looks in the drunk’s pocket and pulls out the money.
“Wait a minute…” the wife says, “there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your
pocket.”
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains… “Wha-wha… Well thass because
after he puked on me, he, he took a crap in my pants!”
Where the winds blow.
Q. Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
A. Kentucky sucks.
The living proof of reincarnation
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Damn!!
Yo mamma so fat
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….SHE FAT!!!
What on earth!!!
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.
“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.
“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”
Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”
1234
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works..
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ” I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.. The witch doctor tells , “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ……… The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?”
The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123”, and suddenly he gets an erection..
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?