your mammas so fat for a tampon she uses a matress
Author: admin
Lifesavers
There was a teacher who wanted to do an expierement so she went and bought a bag of life savers
The nextday she told the class that they had to close their eyes for this expierement
she gave the first kid a green lifesaver and told him to describe it.
He said ” it’s round with a hole in the middle,it’s green apple.”
the teacher said ”youre right”
she gave the next kid a red one and told him to describe it
he said ” it’s round with a hole in the middle, it’s cherry.”
the teacher said ” right”
she gave the last kid a clear one and told him to describe it and he said ” it’s round with a hole in the middle, but i dont know the flavor.”
a kid in the back raises his hand and says ” i know i know”
the teacher said ” it’s something your parents call each other”
the kid in the back says ”ass hole ass hole ”
the teach says ” no it’s honey”
I can’t beleive them
I can’t beleive they got back together after all that crap!
Who?
Your butt cheeks.
Bill
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass!
Life’s reflections
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.13. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
The living proof of reincarnation
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Activity Based Costing Codes
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in time sheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires additional information to achieve its goals. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with better precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter.Extended Task Code List Code # Explanation: 5000 Surfing the Net 5001 Reading/Writing Social Email 5002 Sharing Social E-Mail (see codes #5003, #5004) 5003 Collecting Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5004 Forwarding Jokes and Other Humorous Material via E-Mail 5005 Faxing Jokes and Other Humorous Material to Friends not on E-Mail 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to sound knowledgeable while in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker while Coworker Is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates Me 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Time Sheet 5501 Inventing Time Sheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Myself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Bitching about Lousy Job (see code #5610) 5601 Bitching about Low Pay (see code #5610) 5602 Bitching about Long Hours (see code #5610) 5603 Bitching about Coworker (see codes #5322, #5323) 5604 Bitching about Boss (see code #5610) 5605 Bitching about Personal Problems 5610 Searching for a New Job 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Bitching 5701 Not Actually Present at Job 5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking it Easy while Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distant Personal Calls 6206 Gossiping 6207 Planning a Social Event 6210 Feeling Sorry for Myself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy My Job 6223 Pretending I Like My Coworkers 6224 Pretending I Like Important People When in Reality They Are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6601 Running my Own Business on Company Time (see code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6604 Planning a Vacation on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring at Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Trip to the Bathroom (at least 10 min.) 7400 Talking with Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking with Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking with Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking with Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking with Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking with House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking with Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking with Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking with Mistress/Boy Toy on Phone (also see code #7400) 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid Me in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use
Where the winds blow.
Q. Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
A. Kentucky sucks.
Wanna Watch?
Guy down the pub talking to his mate
Guy: I want to buy my wife a watch for her birthday.
Mate: Why? Hasn’t the oven got a clock?
Damn!!
Yo mamma so fat
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….SHE FAT!!!
Which One To Marry?
There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.
1234
After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works..
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ” I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.. The witch doctor tells , “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ……… The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?”
The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123”, and suddenly he gets an erection..
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?