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Brand New Hat

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?””Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.””But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Dos ‘locas’ conversan. Dice la

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Dos ‘locas’ conversan. Dice la una:

“Por la ma�ana voy a la iglesia a rezar maitines. Despu�s de desayunarme, rezo el rosario. A las doce voy a la capilla a rezar el �ngelus, despu�s de comer rezo el Ave Mar�a. A las seis voy a misa, me confieso y comulgo. Despu�s de o�r misa escucho la novena. Antes de acostarme rezo el rosario y una vez acostada rezo tres avemar�as y cinco padrenuestros. Todo esto lo hago porque pienso que el alma es para el Cielo”.

“�Y el cuerpo, qu�?”, pregunta la otra mariquita”.

“Al cuerpo que le den por culo, que para eso est�”.

Which One To Marry?

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There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

Things my mother taught me

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1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. . . “Just wait until your father gets home. “2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING. . . . “You are going to get it when we get home!”3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE. . . “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you . . . Don’t talk back to me!”4. My Mother taught me LOGIC. . . “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me. 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. . . “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way. “6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD. . . “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job. 7. My Mother taught me ESP. . . “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”8. My Mother taught me HUMOR. . . “When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don’t come running to me. “9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT. . . “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. “10. My Mother taught me about SEX. . . . “How do you think you got here?”11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS. . . “You’re just like your father. “12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS. . . “Do you think you were born in a barn?”13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE. . . “When you get to be my age, you will understand. 14. And my all time favorite. . . JUSTICE. . . “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. . . Then you’ll see what its like. “

Takeout Order

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A blonde walks into a building and says rather loudly “CAN I HAVE A PORTION OF CHIPS AND A COUPLE OF SAUSAGES PLEASE?”The woman behind the counter looks puzzled and then says “I’m sorry madam, this is a library!”The blonde seems rather embarrassed and replies in a whisper “sorry, may I have portion of chips and a couple of sausages please!”

What on earth!!!

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Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity.

“What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank.
“You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!”

Matt replies, “What…and we weren’t?”