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Un tipo que se dirige a trabajar es solicitado por Manolo, que estaba de paseo por ah�:
“Oiga, por favor, �me podr�a decir que autob�s tengo que abordar para ir al museo de la ciudad?”
“S�, aqu� mismo, coja el n�mero 48”.
A mediod�a, nuestro hombre vuelve del trabajo para ir a comer y se encuentra a Manolo que est� todav�a esperando en la parada del autob�s.
“Pero �qu� hace todav�a aqu�, no le dije que cogiera el 48?”
“S�, ya han pasado cuarenta y tres autobuses, s�lo faltan cinco”.
Why do Samoans have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
The blonde reported for her University final examination which
consists of “yes/no” type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet – Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an
hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it
out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
“I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am
rechecking my answers!”
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel…! No. Think of another wish.”
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know whatthey really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”
A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, “Sorry, heaven’s crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the teacher replied, “the Titanic.” So St. Peter let her into heaven.
Next he turned to the petty thief. “How many people died on that ship?” St. Peter asked. “Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500.” St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.
He simply said to him: “Name them.”
A man was in a terrible car accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital…
Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! “But,” his doctor said, “the insurance companies don’t cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic.”
Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the “small” version, $6,500.00 for the “medium,” and $14,000.00 for the “whopper.”
The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.
Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.
As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.
A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient’s room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the Doctor.
The man somberly answered, “She decided that she’d rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!”
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?” “That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie. “The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About 12 years” replied the cabbie.”12 years? We build ’em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.” A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan. “That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan. “About three years” replied the cabbie. “Three years? We build ’em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.” Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. “What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. “Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”
Dear Consumas:
It has come ta our attention dat a coupola copies of the WINDOWS
98/BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida
Broooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help
understandin’ da commands.
Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin’
screen. It reads: “WINDAS 98,” wit a background picture of Grand
Army Plaza.When you start da program, instead of da usual
“harpy, stringy” music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is
also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.
Please also note:
– Recycle Bin is labeled “Staten Island.”
– My Computer is called “My Friggin’ Computa.”
– The Inbox is referred to as “Da Trunk.”
– Deleted Items are referred to as “Wacked,” “Erased,” or
“Rubbed Out.”
– Dial up Networking is called “Da Bar.”
– Control Panel is known as the “Da Bosses.”
– Performin’ an “illegal operation” is known as “enhancin’ the
family business” and will actually maximize da program instead
of shuttin’ it down.
– Hard Drive is referred to as “Da BQE Rush Hour.”
– Instead of an error message a “You ain’t gonna friggin’
believe dis!” pops up.
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION:
OK………Sure ting
Cancel…..Fugetaboutit
Reset……Start Ova
Yes……..Yeah
No………Nah
Find…….Put a contract out on
Browse…..Get a looksee
Back…….U toin
Help…….(Help ain’t available – yous don’t need no stinkin’
help)
Stop…….Knock it off
Start……Move it!
Settings…Here’s d’ Rules
Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN
EDITION platform don’t recognize da letter “R.”
Some programs and udder accessories dat are exclusive to WINDAS
98:
Typa……..A word processin’ program
Printa……Printer
Calculata…Calculator
Solitare….Seven Card Stud
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for
a replacement version.
Yous got a problem wit dat?
BILL (“4 eyes”) GATES
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”
Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because when they came to the U.S., they wanted to go to New
York, so they wrote on their foreheads: TO NY
Q: What’s the difference between a leach and the IRS?
A: The leach will leave you alone when you die!!!
Q: Whats the difference between bin laden and alladin ?
A: Aladdin has three wishes and osama only has one , a death
wish.