There are three fellas golfing together, a priest, a doctor and an engineer. Although they are having a great game, a group of three men in front of them are taking forever and holding up thier game. When they finally get back to the club house they decide to complain to the owner. They say,”Hey, we love golfing at your club but there were three guys ahead of us that were just taking forever – ” “Oh, you mean the the three blind fireman.” The owner interupted. “Well whoever they were they were taking too long!” the three golfers replied. The owner replied,”Those three blind firemen can take as long as they want. They saved this club from burning down!” The preist then said, “Wow, that’s fantastic, I’ll keep them in my prayers!” The doctor replied, “Hey, that’s a great story. I’ve got a friend who’s an optometrist, I’ll see what he can do for them!” The engineer looks at them and asks,”Well why can’t they golf at night?”
Author: admin
horney
im horney
Estaban dos ni�os cada uno
Estaban dos ni�os cada uno con un trompo y uno le dice al otro:
“A ver, baila el trompo.”
Y el otro le contesta: “No sabo.”
“No se dice no sabo se dice no sepo.”
En ese momento una se�ora estaba escuchando la conversaci�n de los ni�os y les dice:
“No se dice ni no sabo ni no sepo.”
Los ni�os le preguntan:
“Entonces, �C�mo se dice?”
La se�ora les contesta:
“No s�.”
Y los ni�os le dicen:
“Entonces, por qu� se mete en lo que no le importa.”
Un d�a, va un borracho
Un d�a, va un borracho por las calles de la ciudad y, urgentemente, se detiene a orinar en un poste. En eso est� cuando en la casa de enfrente ve un cartel que dice:
“VENDO MADRE SIN SENTIMIENTO”
El sujeto se pasa la mano por los ojos y vuelve a leer pensando que hab�a le�do mal, y ve el mismo texto. Como puede toma de su saco papel y l�piz y escribe la direcci�n de la casa.
Al d�a siguiente se levanta; ve el papel sobre la mesa y recuerda el cartel y se dirige a la direcci�n que estaba anotada en el papel. Cuando llega all�, ve con detenimiento el cartel y lee:
“VENDO MADERA, ZINC Y CEMENTO”
Priorities
A man was in a terrible car accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital…
Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! “But,” his doctor said, “the insurance companies don’t cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic.”
Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the “small” version, $6,500.00 for the “medium,” and $14,000.00 for the “whopper.”
The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.
Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.
As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.
A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient’s room, and found the man looking quite dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the Doctor.
The man somberly answered, “She decided that she’d rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!”
A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 4
Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of
dating them.
Un tipo que se dirige
Un tipo que se dirige a trabajar es solicitado por Manolo, que estaba de paseo por ah�:
“Oiga, por favor, �me podr�a decir que autob�s tengo que abordar para ir al museo de la ciudad?”
“S�, aqu� mismo, coja el n�mero 48”.
A mediod�a, nuestro hombre vuelve del trabajo para ir a comer y se encuentra a Manolo que est� todav�a esperando en la parada del autob�s.
“Pero �qu� hace todav�a aqu�, no le dije que cogiera el 48?”
“S�, ya han pasado cuarenta y tres autobuses, s�lo faltan cinco”.
The History Of Casual Day
Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Ride ’em Cowboy!
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a
stall and went over to take a look. “What’s going on?” Ed asked one of the
crowd.
“We’re watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine,” he
said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. “Nobody has managed to stay on
for the full three minutes yet. And there’s a prize of $1000 for anybody who
can.
“I can do that!” Ed said confidently.
“No you can’t,” said Ted.
“I sure as hell can!” said Ed.
“You’ll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster,” said Ted.
“Watch this,” said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles
but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was
bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three
minutes were up Ed was still on the machine’s back acknowledging the cheers and
cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. “Where in hell did you
learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?” Ted asked.
“Remember three months ago,” Ed said…
“When my wife had whooping cough…?”
Tony
Why are a lot of Italians named Tony?
Because when they came to the U.S., they wanted to go to New
York, so they wrote on their foreheads: TO NY
Two Girlfriends
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: “I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone”
The Brass Rat
A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be
forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man’s
curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn’t seem to have
much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man
found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind
the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it — it was so
incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.
The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he
handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the
shopkeeper sternly warned him, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with
the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.”
The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even
if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about.
He agreed to the shopkeeper’s terms, and left with the rat.
At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his
car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a
life rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed
to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all
following him and milling about his feet.
The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man
realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The
ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.
The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper’s warning, and
knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could
toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far
as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into
the water, where they drowned.
The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper
shouted, “I told you, no refunds. I don’t want trouble here. The sale was final,
and you can’t return the merchandise.”
The man smiled, and replied, “Oh, I don’t want to return the rat. I just want
to know — do you have a brass lawyer in stock?”