Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Author: admin
NEWS: Windows 2000
Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system ”Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
Asylum test
Once there was an madman who was committed to an asylum.
The asylum had a rule that if any ‘resident’ could pass a special 5 question test, he could go free.
No resident had passed in the 20 year history of the asylum.
It was the madman’s turn to take the test.
After a grueling 4 hours of testing, the examining officer said, “Well, you’ve passed four of the five tests. I’m very impressed.
However, the last test is the hardest of all.”
The examiner led the man to a dark room, switched on a
flashlight, and pointed it at a light bulb hanging from the
ceiling. “For your fifth test, you must walk on the beam of light and change the bulb.”
The madman looked at him with an outraged expression and exclaimed, “Are you nuts?”
He continued, “Yeah right, when I reach half way you’ll turn it off and let me fall!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Your mommas sooo fat…
your mommas sooo fat that when a bus went by she said, “Catch that TWINKIEEEE!”
A Skydiving lesson
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first
skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any
of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how
long do we have until we hit the ground?”
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest
of your life.”
Resumania
‘Resumania’ is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:
‘I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise.’ (And an eye on the ‘e’ section of the dictionary,
evidently.)
‘Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down
some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No
problem …)
‘Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. ‘(Glad to hear it.)
‘I am very detail-oriented. ‘(With the possible exception of spelling)
‘I can play well with others.’ (We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)
‘Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.’ (A new twist on work-family
balance.)
‘Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.’ (Have you considered
law school?)
‘My salary requirement is $34 per year.’ (They say money isn’t everything.)
‘Served as assistant sore manager.’ (Ouch.)
‘Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.’ (So
you’re willing to travel?)
‘I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.’ (And they say
loyalty is hard to come by.)
‘Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend
could steal my job.’ (We’re glad you’re not bitter.)
Eyes Look Red
When pulled over by a police officer, if the officer says, “Gee
you eyes look red, have you been drinking?”
The incorrect answer would be, “Gee officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”
Titanic Parody
A Shorter, Harsher Titanic (Scene 1)KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it?KATE’S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named ‘Picasso.’ I am certain he will amount to nothing.KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90’s audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.KATE: Thank you. So are you.LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my ‘brooding’ face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.KATE: While you’re doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee’s life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor, and then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water.AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) *** (Scene 2)LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me.AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.KATE: Well all right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) *** (Scene 3)FIRST MATE: Captain, we’re about to hit an iceberg.CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)ICEBERG: (hits boat)FIRST MATE: That can’t be good.CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!AUDIENCE: (silence)FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where’s Leonardo? *** (Scene 4)LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinkingKATE: That is terribleLEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?KATE: Certainly.WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me?WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway-AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! Boo!LEONARDO: He’s right, though. I am doomed.AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed.WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people. *** (Scene 5)150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ears hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was – hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I’d turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I’ll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
Bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.
One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”
“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”
“Yes,” the other bat answers.
“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”
“Gray Hair”
A glimpse into our future…
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Gray Hair”
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, “Don’t worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify.” The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, “Too bad you didn’t drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!”
Fly in the Beer
An englshman, american, and a canadian went to a pub for a beer. When the draft was delivered they each noticed a fly floating on top. The englishman pushed his draft away in disgust. “Bloody hell, I cannot drink such a mess!” The american shrugged and picked the fly out of his beer. He then proceeded to drink it. The canadian was very disturbed. He picked the fly up, shaking it and yelled, “Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!”
How does a Jewish American
How does a Jewish American Princess do it doggie-style?
She makes him beg for an hour.