Won’t be yours

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, “I’m afraid so…I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy.”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection?”

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Chinese Proverds

Virginity likes bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired?

Men who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man
give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile
sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Men who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Men who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Suzie’s Legs

One day these 3 guys where walking down the street when they
spotted this bar. They went in and had a couple of drinks. The
next morning they woke up and decided to go to that bar again
but they didn’t know what it was called so they decided to call
it “Suzie’s Legs”. When they got there the cops asked them what
are you doing here so early? They said waiting for “Suzie’s Legs
to open so we can get a drink”

What a Thermos Does

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold things cold.”The blonde says, “I’ll take it!”The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde boss sees her and asks, “What is that shiny object you have?”She said, “It’s a thermos.”The boss then says, “What does it do?”She replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?”The blonde replies, “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

Nerd Season

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Good Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man. You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in *!#” of hitting her from here!”

Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there’s a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.” Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, “Don’t fight with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

Hab�a 3 homosexuales comentando entre

Hab�a 3 homosexuales comentando entre ellos que quer�an ser. El primero dice:

Yo quisiera ser mariposa.”

Los dem�s le dicen “�Mariposa?”

“S�, para volar, volar y volar.”

El segundo dice: “yo quisiera ser gallina.”

“�Gallina?”

“S�, imag�nate un gallo que te pise todos los d�as.”

El tercero dice: “yo quisiera ser ambulancia.”

“�Ambulancia?”

“�S�, te imaginas que te abran por detr�s, te metan un hombre entero y salir uuuiiiiiiiiiii!”

Short gender jokes

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.