Nerd Season

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.”

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.”

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Evening of bridge

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge.The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it, this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

Airlines

A Delta Airlines pilot was badly embarrassed about the a particularly rough landing. He was reluctantly fulfilling company policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited. Nevertheless he stood there and gave each person a smile, and said: ‘Thanks for flying Delta.’He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, awaiting that inevitable harsh comment on the landing, which by extension would impugn his professional skills and probably his manhood as well. There were fewer smiles than normal, but no comments. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why no M’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we just land or were we shot down?’

Picking Up Nun’s

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it’s way the bus driver says to the hippie, “if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.” The hippie of course says that he’d love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” said the bus driver(male), “you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.” Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.” The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!!” The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!!!”

Won’t be yours

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, “I’m afraid so…I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy.”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection?”

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Good Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man. You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in *!#” of hitting her from here!”