your momma is so fat that she saw a bus go by and yelled, twinky!
Author: admin
Primary School Tour to the Race Tracks
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go
with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one
of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal.
Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little
boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help but notice that he
was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. “I guess you
must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks
for the lift anyhow.”
The Female Stages of Life
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel’s with a Napkin chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan color my hair
66 Need to have Stefan color my wig
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “McDonalds”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Who says that Pollacks are Dumb?
A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down, but couldn’t find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she’d offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night.
Then as soon as the man was asleep, he’d be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she’d hold a sign up saying “$50 or I’ll bite hard!”
Of course usually the guy would pay and she’d let him go. Well one day a Polish guy’s car broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign, “$50 or I’ll bite.”
The polish guy just smiled and said, “$100 or I’ll piss!”
Fill out this form
A man walked up to a school and said “can you teach me to reed and write”
The administrator said, “Yes we can, just fill out this form”.
Teachers’ Pay
Teachers are paid too much!! I’m fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I’d pay teachers babysitting wages.That’s right…instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I’d give them $3.00 an hour. And, I’m only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it’s still cheaper than private daycare.Now how many children do they teach a day–maybe 20? That’s $15.00 x 20 = 300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I’m not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.)What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master’s degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That’s $600 a day times 180 days. That’s only $108,000.Wait a minute…there is something wrong here…
Food + water
Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”
“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”
“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
An object in motion will
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
Virtual reality is its own
Virtual reality is its own reward.
My play was a complete
My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
Playing House
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this was cute.
“Well,” said Little Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”
“And how will you live?”
“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough.”
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,
Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along?”
“Well,” said Little Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far!”
Jill Dando’s Mind
What was the last thing that went through Jill Dando’s mind?
A bullet.