Author: admin

Ideal Computer Problem Report Form

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In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________

4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________

17. If ‘nothing’ explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Teachers’ Pay

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Teachers are paid too much!! I’m fed up with teachers and their hefty salaries for only 9 months work! What we need here is a little perspective. If I had my way, I’d pay teachers babysitting wages.That’s right…instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I’d give them $3.00 an hour. And, I’m only going to pay them for 5 hours, not planning time. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to baby sit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it’s still cheaper than private daycare.Now how many children do they teach a day–maybe 20? That’s $15.00 x 20 = 300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I’m not going to pay them for all the vacations: $300.00 x 180 =$54,000. (Just a minute my calculator must need batteries.)What will teachers say about those who have 10 years of experience and a master’s degree? Well, maybe (just to be fair) they could get the minimum wage. We can round that off to about $6.00 an hour, times 5 hours, times 20 children. $6.00 x 5 x 20. That’s $600 a day times 180 days. That’s only $108,000.Wait a minute…there is something wrong here…

Signs you’re a redneck Jedi;

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-You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

-You can easily describe the taste of a Wok.

-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

-The worst part of spending time on Deborah is the dad gum skitters.

-Woolies are offended by your B.O.

-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have
to wait for a commercial.

-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

-Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side…it’ll be a hoot.”

-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.

-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through
the window.

-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabber the Hut had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

-If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”

Read the label first!

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Some actual product warning labels:

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink – AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

On a New Zealand insect spray – THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer – TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense…except these instructions we’re IN THE BOX!)

In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles – OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer – DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I’d like to see! )

On a bag of Fritos – YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap – DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops…Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding – PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let’s experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife – WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights – FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what…use in outer space?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts – INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I’m sure glad they cleared that up.)

On a Swedish chainsaw – DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

On a child’s superman costume – WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. That’s right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Food + water

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Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”
“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “My goodness, doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Sex With Patients

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John had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “John, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “John. You’re a vet….”

Despu�s de haberse cometido un

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Despu�s de haberse cometido un robo en el convento de monjas, se present� la Polic�a.
Pregunta el Polic�a:

“�Qu� es lo que se robaron Madre Superiora?”

“100 s�banas.”

“Anote eso”, dice el Polic�a al secretario.

Todas las otras monjas dicen en Coro:

“�Y nos quer�an envenenar!”

Contin�a el polic�a:

“�Otra cosa que les robaron madre?”

“�Ah! S�… se robaron unos vasos.”

“Anote eso”, dice el Polic�a al secretario.

Otra vez el coro de las monjitas:

“�Y nos quer�an envenenar!”

El Capit�n se queda pensativo y pregunta:

“�C�mo es eso que las quer�an envenenar?”

Es que los ladrones nos dec�an: “�Si no se callan les echamos unos polvos!”