What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.
Author: admin
Did you hear…
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
Girl from Wenatch-Limmerick
Limmerick of the Day:
There once was a girl from Wenatch, She tried to get it on with a match, She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burned all the hair off her snatch!
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.120. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Signs you’re a redneck Jedi;
-You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
-You can easily describe the taste of a Wok.
-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
-The worst part of spending time on Deborah is the dad gum skitters.
-Woolies are offended by your B.O.
-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have
to wait for a commercial.
-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
-Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side…it’ll be a hoot.”
-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.
-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through
the window.
-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabber the Hut had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.
-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
-If you hear . . . “Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…”
Ideal Computer Problem Report Form
In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.
COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________
____________________________-_________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If ‘Yes’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?
______________________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
______________________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
______________________________________________________
17. If ‘nothing’ explain why you were logged in.
______________________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
_____________________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
_____________________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__
Who says that Pollacks are Dumb?
A girl had devised a device to cause any car that passed in front of her house to suddenly break down, but couldn’t find any practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she’d offer the man in the car a place to stay for the night.
Then as soon as the man was asleep, he’d be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and she’d hold a sign up saying “$50 or I’ll bite hard!”
Of course usually the guy would pay and she’d let him go. Well one day a Polish guy’s car broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her mouth and holding the sign, “$50 or I’ll bite.”
The polish guy just smiled and said, “$100 or I’ll piss!”
Fill out this form
A man walked up to a school and said “can you teach me to reed and write”
The administrator said, “Yes we can, just fill out this form”.
Yo mama – peanut butter
Yo mama like peanut butter… smooth and easy to spread.
Sex With Patients
John had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: “John, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go……”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “John. You’re a vet….”
On X-mas Your a Hoe Hoe Hoe
On Christmas your a hoe hoe hoe,
and your probably going to go go go
have sex with a guy named Moe Moe Moe
this guy Moe Moe Moe
will turn out to be a homo mo
and try to blow blow yo
List of rules of being a guy:
Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach….and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!