Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
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The Top 16 Desperate Tourism Slogans
16> Come for the Squalor, Stay for the Stonings! 15> We Put the Host in Hostage 14> Okay, What If We *Were* the Last Place on Earth? Huh? What THEN, Smart Boy?!? 13> Come Join the Search for Our Weapons of Mass Destruction! 12> As Seen on the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week 11> Genital Mutilation — With a Smile! 10> So Much Fun, We Can’t Even Get Your Soldiers to Leave! 9> Why Pay Exorbitant Spa Prices? Try Our Montezuma Weight-Loss Plan! 8> Cannibalism, Schmannibalism 7> For Your Convenience, Our Syphilitic, Toothless, Mentally Unstable Prostitutes Now Accept Visa! 6> Hey, Disneyland’s Not the Only Place in the World With Giant Rodents 5> Become Nebraska’s 1000th Tourist and We’ll Put You on Our State Quarter! 4> That Smell? Why, It’s Old-World Charm!! 3> Yes, That’s Dog in the Stew, But It’s *Free Range* Dog 2> Our Customs Officers Have Small, Girlish Hands 1> Ethnically Cleansed for Your Protection [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Princess Di and Mother Theresa
You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said “You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven.”
Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.
He said “okay. Princess Di?”
Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.
Finally he decided. “Princess Di. You’re in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!”
Blind people
Q:why dont blind people go sky diving?A:because it will scare the shit out of their dog
Super Man
Your mama is so fat when she was born it took super man to pull her out.
If you think the problem
If you think the problem is bad now. . .
just wait until we’ve solved it.
A husband is someone who
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house.
Why a Christmas Tree
A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Explain!
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”
The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”
Finding the “perfect” mate.
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”
Parachute Race
A Blonde And A Brunette Go Parachuting. The Blonde jumps first,
pulls her parachute cord and is slowly drifting in the air and
enjoying the view.
The brunette jumps after her, pulls her parachute cord but
nothing happens. She pulls it again, this time as hard as she
can, still nothing. She pulls the cord to the emergency chute,
but that doesn’t open either. Falling like a speeding bullet,
she passes by the blonde.
The blonde looks at her and says, while getting her parachute
off her shoulders, “Sooo, you want to race, do you?
Fishy Talk
Q: How to communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!