Poor Jim is killed in a Boston automobile accident, but happily he goes to heaven where he gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.”Sure. Go right ahead,” says the Almighty.”OK,” Jim says, “Why did you make women so pretty?””So you would like them,” God replies.”All right then,” Jim nods, “but come you made them so nice and soft and curvey?””So you would LOVE them,” God replies.Jim ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such air heads?”God replies, “So THEY would love YOU!”
Author: admin
Free Sex in Redneck Jokes
There was this gas station in “redneck country” trying to increase it’s sales,
so the owner put up a sign saying “Free Sex with Fill-up.”
Soon a “redneck” customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed
correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the
proprietor said, “No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex
this time but maybe next time”.
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in
again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the
correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, “Sorry,
it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time”.
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, “I think that game is
rigged and he doesn’t give away free sex”. The buddy replied, “No, it’s not
rigged — my wife won twice last week�.
Soccer game
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when
the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you
call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”
The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him — I was just trying to
trip him up.”
Explain!
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says: “Honey, how could you do this! All this time you’ve never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!”
The husband says: “OK, I’ll explain, but first you have to explain the kids.”
Mamma
Your mama so fat that when she wore a green costume they declared a new
continent.
Your mama so fat that when she sent her underwear to the dry cleaners they
said “sorry we don’t clean circus tents.”
Your mama so dumb that she sold the car for petrol money.
Your mama teeth shine so much that you need glasses just to look at her.
Contagious
In school the lesson was about the word “contagious.” The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.One girl raised her hand and said, “I had the chicken pox and I couldn’t go outside and play because it was contagious.”The teacher replied, “That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?”One of the boys said, “I couldn’t go over my friend’s house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.”The teacher replied, “That’s good. Anyone else?”Little Johnny said, “Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbor’s driveway.”The teacher was upset and said, “That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.”Johnny spoke up, “Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.”
Super Man
Your mama is so fat when she was born it took super man to pull her out.
You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When…
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you
realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, and �I
waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn.” Your boss is
standing behind you. It’s his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential
information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as
vacation, not last week.
You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how were the
fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”
You gossip with another employee about the company, not knowing that the
entire time the owner is within an earshot.
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in
jail. Last night was the company’s big party to celebrate its successful new
merger.
Redneck Doctor
How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a
redneck doctor?
He signs “his” name under “cause of death!”
osama’s bad luck
Why dosent Osama Bin laden have sex with anyone anymore??
Because every time he opens a gurls legs all he sees is
bush.
If you think the problem
If you think the problem is bad now. . .
just wait until we’ve solved it.
Wrong Operation
One Polish surgeon asks another: “How did that appendectomy go?”
“Appendectomy?” shrieks the other. “I though it was an autopsy!”