Despu�s de veinte a�os de

Despu�s de veinte a�os de servicio en la compa��a, el se�or P�rez se anim� a solicitar un aumento de sueldo. Por consejo de su compadre, que era sindicalista, escribe la solicitud en los siguientes t�rminos:

“Me es imposible continuar trabajando con ustedes con este salario…”

Dos d�as despu�s lo llaman a la oficina del gerente general y �ste, en persona, le informa:

“Se�or P�rez, tengo muy buenas noticias para usted”.

“S�, se�or”, alcanza a balbucir P�rez emocionado.

“Despu�s de presentar su carta al consejo directivo y de enfatizar que le ‘es imposible continuar trabajando con nosotros con su sueldo actual’, los miembros del consejo mostraron su acuerdo un�nime en vista de sus veinte a�os de servicio leal a la compa��a y de que todo esto va m�s all� de lo que es tan s�lo puro dinero y, a pesar de los problemas por los que atravesamos en el momento actual derivados de la recesi�n de la econom�a estadounidense, creemos que unos cuantos pesos no nos hundir�n el barco y…”

Se calla el gerente para tomar un sorbo de agua. Y P�rez pregunta:

“Entonces, �acordaron incrementarme el sueldo?”

“No, se�or, acordamos darle una gran fiesta de despedida en el hotel Camino Real, con stripper, mariachis y toda la cosa”.

I can Fly !

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. “Dear”, she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted!”

Ouch

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.

When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles,” said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men’s clothing store, he thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like to see some of your suits.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll, so he said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see. . 9 Wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed and said, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman and calamjo

Drinker’s Alphabet

Drinker’s Alphabet
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college

B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F is for Fucked-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J is for Jail :Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K is for Kissing :What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know

P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer

Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet

S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk

U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

Blonde lady driver

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason
that you’re weaving all over the road?” The woman replied, “Oh
officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, “Ma’am…that’s your air freshener.”

Barbars Advice

During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, er, female juices.

“But you’re balder than I am,” protested the customer.

“True,” admitted the barber, “but you’ve gotta admit I’ve got one hell of a moustache!”

George Michael and Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson was in a room bumming George Michael. Suddenly Michael Jackson said ‘I have to go now, but i’ll be back in five minutes, whatever you do don’t wank.’ At that, Michael left.

Five minutes later Michael returned to find cum all over the ceiling and walls. ‘What the hell happened here, I told you not to wank.’ But George replied ‘I didn’t; I farted’