What do you call a bad butler?
Mr.spot (missed-a-spot)
Author: admin
Why is Sperm donations more EXPENSIVE than blood Donations?
Why is sperm donations more EXPENSIVE than blood Donations?
Because its HANDMADE!!!
All computers wait at the
All computers wait at the same speed.
Despu�s de veinte a�os de
Despu�s de veinte a�os de servicio en la compa��a, el se�or P�rez se anim� a solicitar un aumento de sueldo. Por consejo de su compadre, que era sindicalista, escribe la solicitud en los siguientes t�rminos:
“Me es imposible continuar trabajando con ustedes con este salario…”
Dos d�as despu�s lo llaman a la oficina del gerente general y �ste, en persona, le informa:
“Se�or P�rez, tengo muy buenas noticias para usted”.
“S�, se�or”, alcanza a balbucir P�rez emocionado.
“Despu�s de presentar su carta al consejo directivo y de enfatizar que le ‘es imposible continuar trabajando con nosotros con su sueldo actual’, los miembros del consejo mostraron su acuerdo un�nime en vista de sus veinte a�os de servicio leal a la compa��a y de que todo esto va m�s all� de lo que es tan s�lo puro dinero y, a pesar de los problemas por los que atravesamos en el momento actual derivados de la recesi�n de la econom�a estadounidense, creemos que unos cuantos pesos no nos hundir�n el barco y…”
Se calla el gerente para tomar un sorbo de agua. Y P�rez pregunta:
“Entonces, �acordaron incrementarme el sueldo?”
“No, se�or, acordamos darle una gran fiesta de despedida en el hotel Camino Real, con stripper, mariachis y toda la cosa”.
camera
Polaroid has a new camera they call a hemaroid , takes shitty pictures and anyone can operate it.
Una pareja de
Una pareja de casados ten�a problemas con la inseguridad en su colonia. La afligida se�ora un d�a va acomprar un perro “bravo”.
Al llegar al local pide le vendan un perro, el m�s bravo que tuviesen… el due�o del local le dice:
“Bueno, se�ora, tenemos �ste(refiri�ndose a un perro grande y con cara de maldito), pero le advierto que es muy bravo.”
“S�, s�, ese me llevo… �y est� amaestrado?”
“Pero claro, este perro ataca con s�lo decirle ‘Sat�n, ataca, o Satan, muerde’ o cualquier orden. Hasta le pordr�a decir ‘Sat�n, el mandado’ y �l obedeceria sin chistar, siempre y cuando se le hable por su nombre.”
“�Qu� bien!,” dice la se�ora e inmediatamente se lleva el perro.
Ya en la noche, como era costumbre, el marido llega borracho, y al ver al perro dice gritando:
“�Qu� hace aqu� este perro?”
A lo que la se�ora responde:
“Amor, es el perro que compre para que cuide la casa, se llama Sat�n.”
Y el hombre dice carcaje�ndose:
“�Jajaja… Sat�n… ja… Sat�n… mis bolas!”
Boy’s & Girl’s Records
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production ‘Strap on Sally vol.3’. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV’s Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world’s most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), ‘Nightrider’ style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
Valentine’s for ex’s
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.””Really?””Yes sir. They’re called darts.”
Blonde lady driver
A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. “Ma’am, is there a reason
that you’re weaving all over the road?” The woman replied, “Oh
officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I almost had an accident!
I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved
to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!”
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, “Ma’am…that’s your air freshener.”
Ouch
Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.
When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles,” said the doctor.
Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.
He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.
As he walked past a men’s clothing store, he thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like to see some of your suits.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job,” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure . . ”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll, so he said, “Sure . . . ”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see. . 9 Wide.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure . . . ”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed and said, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman and calamjo
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
Why did the blonde t
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.