Please Stay Santa

Santa came down the chimney one night and saw a pretty lady in a
teddy. She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho!
Gotta go, gotta go.” Then turned around and started filling the
stockings.

When he turned around again, she had removed her top. She said,
“Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go, gotta
go.” Then he turned around and started putting presents under
the tree.

Then he turned around again. The woman had removed her panties.
She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta
stay! Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with a woody!”

Just the Facts

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, CocaCola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.”

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton

Talking dog

a man was walking down the sidewalk when he passes a house with a sign that read “talking dog for sale” in on the front lawn. the man knocks on the door to ask about it.the owner says yep hes a talking dog, have a look hes in the backyard.
sure enough there is a mutt sitting in the back yard. the man says “you talk?”
the dog says yep.
man says “whats your story?”
dog says “well i reallized i had this gift when i was young so i told the cia and before you know it theyu had me jetting all over the world sitting in on world leaders because noone would suspect a dog would be listening. i did that for a while and reallized i wasnt getting any younger so i decided to do some airport security, mostly just wandering up to strange characters and listening in. i made a couple of busts and received some medals. then i got me a wife had some pups and now im just retired.”
“wow” the man said walking back to the front door to ask the owner more.
“how much you asking for?” the man asked
“10 dollars” the owner replied.
“what? why in the world so cheap?”the man asked astonished.
“because hes a damn liar. he didnt do any of that shit.”

Computer doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better….

Killed the Pig

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. “What happend to you?” asked Bill. “Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me.” “My God, what did you tell
them?” asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I
just killed the pig.”

Attack dog

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest,meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.”He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.”Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have something better in mind for you.”They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger,meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.”Ah,” said the buyer.”This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.””Well, no.” said the owner.”I have something better in mind for you.”The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.”This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.The buyer was flabbergasted.”You’re joking!” he exclaimed.”This dog seems quite tame; he doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt!””I know, I know,” said the owner.”But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”