What do the vacuum “dirt devil” and viagra have in common?
They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
How a man can tell if a woman has PMS
She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”
She buys you a new T-shirt—–with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,”All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.
Fun Things to do in a Mall
1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2.Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3.Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen…
9….but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
10.Follow patrons of D. Balton’s around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12.Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16.Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17.If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18.Sprint up the down escalator.
19.Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
20.Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”
30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31.Play the tuba for change.
32.Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play “Jesus Built My Hotrod”.
33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.
35.Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.
36.”Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39.Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”
41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leakproof”.
42.”Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
45.If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49.Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
Sex
HA YOUR STUPID
What is the difference between roast beef…
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Eveybody can roast beef.
You’ve had it
An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte’s Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.
“You gotta be in the wrong place,” she exclaimed. “What are you looking for?”
“Ain’t this where you always got forty five girls ready ‘n’ able?”
The receptionist looked perplexed. “Ready for what?”
“I want a girl,” the old man rasped. “I wanna get laid.”
“How old are you, Pop?” she asked.
“92” he replied.
“92? Pop, you’ve had it.”
“Oh.” said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. “How much do I owe you?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Chemist’s last words
The last words of a chemist:22. Something is wrong here…23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.25. And now a cigarette…
First Child
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
Taking the Baby in for a Check-Up
A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor’s office.
She explained, “The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”
She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.
He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”
“Breast fed.” she says.
“Well, strip down to your waist.” he orders.
She does.
He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, “No wonder this baby is hungry, you don’t have any milk.”
“Naturally,” she says, “I’m his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today.”
Blonde Licence
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, “License and Registration please.”
“It’s okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this,” she said smiling.
“That’s impossible!” The officer replied, “I’ve never heard of such a license.”
The blonde then reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, “Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration.”
She pointed to the bottom of the license, “See? it says so right here: ‘Tear Along The Dotted Line’.”
Please Stay Santa
Santa came down the chimney one night and saw a pretty lady in a
teddy. She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho!
Gotta go, gotta go.” Then turned around and started filling the
stockings.
When he turned around again, she had removed her top. She said,
“Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go, gotta
go.” Then he turned around and started putting presents under
the tree.
Then he turned around again. The woman had removed her panties.
She said, “Please stay Santa.” Santa said, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta
stay! Gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with a woody!”
Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned.’
The priest asks, ‘What did you do?’
The woman says, ‘I committed adultery.’
The priest says, ‘How many times?’
And the woman replies, ‘Three.’
Priest: ‘Say two Hail Mary�s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.’
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, ‘Father forgive me for I have sinned.’
‘What did you do?’
�I committed adultery.’
‘How many times?’
‘Three times.’
The priest says, ‘Say two Hail Mary�s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.’
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned.’
The rabbi says, ‘What did you do?’
The woman replies, ‘I committed adultery.’
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, ‘How many times?’
The woman replies, ‘Once.’
The rabbi said, ‘Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.’