Un se�or va a pedir

Un se�or va a pedir un trabajo en las oficinas de recursos humanos. y cuando lo atienden, el entrevistador le dice: “Bueno, veo que tiene un curriculo bueno, �cuanto dec�a que le pagaban en su antiguo trabajo?

Y el desempleado le responde: “Creo que eran unos 9000 d�lares mensuales.”

El se�or de recursos humanos se detiene a pensar un poco y le dice: “Bueno, me acuerdo de este lugar en el cual daban un seguro de vida de 1000,000 de dolares, un excelente plan dental, una paga mensual de 10,000 d�lares, casa nueva en una de las mejores urbanizaciones de la ciudad, excelente puesto de estacionamiento, y un autom�vil nuevo, creo que era un Lambourgini Diablo sv.”

El desempleado le dice: “No lo puedo creer. Usted debe estar bromeando.”

Y el tipo de recursos humanos le responde: “S�, pero usted empez�.”

Depressed

There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

Top 10 Signs the New Mir Computer is Running Windows

# 10: The computer keeps asking you to “Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue”

#9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.

#8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir’s “Mr. Java” coffee maker.

#7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.

#6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite’s computers to keep their system running.

#5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since “the proper driver cannot be found”

#4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.

#3: The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

#2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

#1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

Taking the Baby in for a Check-Up

A young woman brings a very young and skinny baby to the doctor’s office.

She explained, “The baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”

She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor.

He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?”

“Breast fed.” she says.

“Well, strip down to your waist.” he orders.

She does.

He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and then began powerfully sucking on one nipple. Finally he announces, “No wonder this baby is hungry, you don’t have any milk.”

“Naturally,” she says, “I’m his aunt; but I sure am glad I came in today.”

Just the Facts

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; “7” was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. “UP” indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA.”

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year’s supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, CocaCola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs… but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.”

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton

How a man can tell if a woman has PMS

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”

She buys you a new T-shirt—–with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,”All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

The Vet/Taxidermist

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy –
Either way, you get your dog back!”