A blonde is driving down the freeway in her car when her boyfriend calls on the cell phone. When she picks up the phone he says, “Hi honey, it’s me, I just wanted to call and tell you to be careful, it says on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.” She says, “There’s not one, there’s hundreds of them!!”–Submitted by: Courtney W.
Author: admin
9 reasons why cucumbers are better than men
1. Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you wont have to sleep
in the wet spot.
2. Cucumbers don’t play the guitar and try to find themselves.
3. A cucumber wont care what time of the month it is.
4. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
5. Cucumbers don’t say “Let’s keep trying till we have a boy.”
6. Cucumbers won’t tell you size doesn’t count.
7. A cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
8. Cucumbers don’t drool on your pillow.
9. And finally…..With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the
way you left it.
You might be a college student if . . .
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
Favorite Instrument
What is a football player’s favorite instrument?
The Sacks-saphone.
Choices
A man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.”
The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”
Ten signs you have a lame computer virus
10. All the adult sites now have photos of nude Bill Gates. 9. You turn on the computer and it starts spitting out $50 bills. 8. Attacks processor by decreasing RAM by 20MB–basically turns cursor into Ms. Pac-Man. 7. All your software now registered to some guy named “Shecky.” 6. Erases hard drive, replaces it with exactly what was there before. 5. You now have access to only 48,765 ‘N Sync sites. 4. Every time you type the phrase “saucer of milk,” computer meows. 3. Turns computer monitor into television that only shows CBS. 2. Emails your friends telling them you actually bought one of those George Foreman grills. 1. It’s programmed to go off sometime in the year 1963. Source: David Letterman show
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.39. Paint your half of the room black.
ONLY CRAYON
Coming out of the shower i grab a towel and begin to dry my face. something
smells funny so i pull the towel off to investigate. staring me in the face is a
long, thick brown streak. my heart skips a beat as i realize i’ve just dried my
face in somebody’s fecal matter. further examination reveals brown spots all
over the towel.
completely grossed out i jump back into the shower and scrub three layers of
skin off my face.
after i’ve finished i go downstairs, towel in hand, to ask my wife how this
could happen. how could she allow the girls the freedom to wipe their asses in
the towels?
“oh,” she said, “that�s not poop. there was a brown crayon in the dryer and it
melted all over the towels.”
“what?” i stammer as relief floods over me. but then relief turns to
irritation. “why didn’t you rewash them? did you want to give me a heart attack?
i just scrubbed five pounds of flesh off my face thinking it was s***!”
“no, i just didn’t want to waste a wash cycle washing clean stuff.”
“but, honey,” i say slowly so she could understand, “it ain’t clean!”
“oh, you big baby, it’s only crayon.”
it’s only crayon… i tell you, i wasn’t even drinking but i nearly got s***
faced!
Viagra Won’t Work
Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldn’t help my love life at all.Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldn’t help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!
Tonya Harding supposedly saved an
Tonya Harding supposedly saved an 81-year-old woman’s life at the Lost
and Found Bar in Portland by performing CPR on her (the medics said the
woman had merely fainted). Says Jay Leno: “And I guess out of force of
habit she performed mouth-to-mouth on three bikers at the pool table,
too.”
Love your neighbor, but don’t
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
College Senior vs Freshman
College Seniors vs. Freshman
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation
class.
Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”
Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.
Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.
Freshman: Know a book–full of useless trivia–about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.
Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
tarts in hand.
Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has his ‘own’ personal workstation.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October…maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to the first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to the first beer garden of the year.
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm.
Senior: Is proud of not *quite* failing his Complex Analysis midterm.
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every night.
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night.
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burnt down over the summer.
Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional
questions.
Senior: Offers to ‘tutor’ conscientious frosh of the opposite sex.
Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house.
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the
unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s
horizons and really make a contribution to society.
Senior: Is excited about the new dryers in the laundry room.
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class.
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class.