Did you hear about the girl who didn’t wear underwear in the winter?
She got chapped lips!
Author: admin
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.
A BLIND MAN
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.
The bartender speaks up and says “Hey what the hell are you doing?”
The blind man says, “Just taking a look around..”
THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS
Category: Bar Jokes Type: Stories Audience: Adult
THANKSGIVING & CHRISTMAS
MIKE WALKED INTO A PUB AND SAT DOWN AT THE BAR. HE ASK THE BAR TENDER FOR A BEER. MIKE THEN NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN SITTING DOWN IN A SHORT SKIRT AT A TABLE ACROSS THE WAY. HE DIDN’T WANT TO STARE, SO HE KEPT GLANCING AT HER CONTINOUSLY.
HE NOTICED THAT SHE HAD A TATOO ON HER INNER THIGH. MIKE LOOKED HARDER AND SAW IT WAS A TATOO OF A TURKEY. MIKE THOUGHT… A TURKEY? HE COULDN’T LEAVE IT ALONE, SO HE KEPT LOOKING AND SHE MOVED JUST ENOUGH TO SEE THE OTHER THIGH. IT HAD A DAMN TATOO OF SANTA CLAUSE ON IT. MIKE FINISHED HIS BEER AND HE HAD ENOUGH, IT WAS BUGGING THE HELL OUT OF HIM. SO MIKE GOT UP, AND WENT OVER TO THE YOUNG LADY AND SAID, “EXCUSE ME, I COULDN’T HELP BUT NOTICE THE TWO TATOO’S YOU HAVE ON YOUR THIGHS… I WAS CURIOUS WHY A TURKEY AND A PICTURE OF SANTA CLAUSE?” THE BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY BLUSHED A LITTLE AND SHE REPLIED, ” I WAS ALWAYS TOLD IT WAS GOOD EATING BETWEEN THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS.”
Learning Golf
A man was trying to teach his wife how to play golf. While she
was playing, she did a horrible slice and the ball crashed into
a nearby house’s window and also broke a vase.
“CRAP!” The womman said. They went over to pay for any damages,
and when they got there they saw a half-naked man wearing a
turban.
The strange man exclaimed that he was a genie and the vase they
broke freed him, and would give them two wishes and would keep
the last wish for himself.
They talked a while and asked for a mansion. The genie said,
“When you return you shall have a house so huge nothing could
come close in comparison to it.” For the second wish, they asked
to both (sometime in their life) be in the PGA tour and win. The
genie repied, “You will not only win but will also hold an
outstanding new record.”
Now this was a very horny genie, so for his third wish he wished
to fuck the man’s wife. They thought it over and decided it was
fair, so the genie fucks her every way in the book.
Afterwards the woman asked the genie what it felt like trapped
in a vase all those years, and the genie replyed. “You still
believe in that genie shit?”
Three women
Three women are knitting for the babies that are due
“i hope mine is a boy because ive got blue wool”” The first women says
“”i hope mine is a girl because ive got pink wool”” the second women says
and the third women says
“”i hope mine is a retard because ive fucked up the arms!!!””
from Peter Mickle
“
The Top 15 Little-Known Effects of El Nino
15. Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings.
14. During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of “mmmGuantanamera.”
13. Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation.
12. Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2.
11. Jacko gets a “Woodrow”, if you know what I mean. (Oops! Wrong kind of El Nino.)
10. Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop.
9. Home Shopping Network’s ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground.
8. Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down.
7. In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million.
6. Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and — ZAP — the only thing left of his hairy little butt is the smell of burnt fur and ozone.
5. Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming “Claro Que Si!”
4. Minor changes in Earth’s magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought.
3. Rash of “muskrat” sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood.
2. Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise.
1. “Ten inches and rising” now refers to flood waters.
The development of a new programming language
I’ve heard there’s a new programming language out from University of Tennessee. It’s called Algor.There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal and inflexible. And it’s not a very powerful language either, since it won’t allow you to alter the operating environment. Its survival is also partially dependent upon an even slower and lower quality language called Blinton.Personally, I don’t think either will be around in four years.
Had Too Much of the
25 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE HI-TECH AGE1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.3. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.10. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)24. You’re reading this.25. Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.
Everything Gone!
A man was complaining to a friend:
“I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked the friend.
“My wife found out…”
The Blind Sky Diver
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
He quickly answered “Oh, that’s the easy part. It’s when the dog’s leash goes slack.”
Moose Hunters
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose lovecall. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, lets get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”