What does a nun wear on a date?
A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.
Author: admin
Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh!
Q: How many Stanford
Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
It’s Dark in Here
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all
of the bickering.
Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two
hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They mouse. They
did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They
sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy
reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their
time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and
each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I
lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
The Top 14 Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities
14> Pete Rose — “Wanna bet?”
13> Martha Stewart — “D’oh!”
12> Carmen Electra — “Twenty bucks, same as in town.”
11> Jessica Simpson — “Huh?”
10> Howard Dean — “YEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
9> Jennifer Lopez — “Okay, but I’m keeping the ring.”
8> Al Gore — “I demand a recount!”
7> R. Kelly — “Not guilty, Your Honor.”
6> Bobby Brown — “I get the top bunk.”
5> Courtney Love — “Does this look infected?”
4> Carson Daly — “Heh, heh. Check the list again — I’m sure I’m on it.”
3> Heidi Fleiss — “Make it out to ‘cash.'”
2> Bob Costas — “Down here.”
1> Vanilla Ice — “Please pull around to the second window.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Quality Managers
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: We’ve formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.
Bah Ram Ewe
Why did the ram fall off the cliff?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
“It was hell,” recalls former
“It was hell,” recalls former child.
Noted Dough Boy Dies…
Noted Dough Boy Dies
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe
yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest
funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the
Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime
friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
“never knew he was kneaded”.
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he
was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife.
They had two children, and…
one in the oven.
Watch Out!!!
A man walks into a bar…ouch!!
The Phone Box
How do u get an etheopian in a phone box?
put a tin of beans in it.
How do u get it out again?
Run past wiv a can opener.