Author: admin

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT… 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is screwing!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a needle. 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there. 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak. 4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. 5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. 6. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname. 7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. 8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. 9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.” 10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course. Signed:_____________________________Date:________________

The Top 13 Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference

13> “Israel agrees to the Palestinian proposal under one condition:
We simply *must* have that hummus recipe! It’s divine!”

12> “She may think her pyramids are holding up like they used to,
but ‘denial’ ain’t just a river in… well, you know.”

11> “Hey! How’d that guy get in here? Oops! Sorry, Bulgaria.”

10> “Well *of course* the United States says it will still respect
you in the morning.”

9> “Who does Iraq think she’s kidding? Those WMDs are *so* fake.”

8> “Bosnia, honey, drop the ‘Herzegovina.’ Hyphenated names are
*soooo* 1995!”

7> “Can I borrow a nationful of oil?”

6> “No, they weren’t an imminent threat. We declared war on them
because their president was wearing the same dress I had on at the G-8
Summit.”

5> “Listen Miss ‘I’m-the-Only-Remaining-Superpower,’ just remember
that we knew you back when you were a lowly Brit stepchild with buck
teeth.”

4> “Would someone please get a bicycle for my fish?”

3> “All right, Arabs? Jews? Over here! We’re all going to sit down
with Dr. Phil and work this thing out!”

2> “By a unanimous vote, the ‘Share the Pain’ measure to stretch
male anuses to 10 cm during childbirth is hereby passed.”

1> “These summits are all the same: Solve the world’s problems
before lunch, then spend the rest of the day trying to divide the
check.”

            
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