Author: admin

One Too Many

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An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull
himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon
as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
”So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” ”What makes you say that?” he asks,
as he puts on an innocent face. ”The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again.”

Turtle in the Desert

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One day there was a man driving his old Pickup Truck through
the desert. On the side of the sand road there was this little
baby turtle swaying his head from side to side saying, “No No No
No No No No No No No” like the little cat on the Meow Mix
commercials(you know, “Meow meow meow meow”).

The next day later the man goes to the hospital for a
terribe heart attack. Before he dies, he tells his son, “Bob, I
want you to have my Pickup Truck. Take that truck and drive it
through the desert. There you will find a turtle swaying his
head from side to side going “No No No No No No” like the cat on
the Meow Mix Commercials. I want you to ask him why he is going
“No No No No No”. Do it for me, son. Do it for your ol’ dad.”
Then he dies.

So the son takes the pickup and drives through the desert.
Soon enough, he sees the turtle almost starving to death and he
is dehydarated, going “No….No…No..” He gives the turltle a
sandwich and a bottle of water and asks why he is going “No No
No No”. After he nouriches, he says,

“All this sand and no sand toys to play with it!!!!”

Priest and Nun Golfing

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One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy put. He shouted, “Damn, missed again.”

The nun, shocked, warned him “God will get you for that.”

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed “Damn It! Missed again” the nun repeated her warning “God will get you for that!”

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out “Damn It! Missed again!”.

Children’s worst book titles!

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Children’s worst book titles!

You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry You Are Different and That’s Bad Dad’s New Wife Gerald Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Scared Alligator

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One day, Grandma sent her grandson Peter down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma’s kitchen.

“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Grandma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grandma.” cried Peter. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Peter. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Grandma,” replied Peter, “If he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Fantasy Beings’ Fair Housing Commission

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As an investigator for the Fantasy Beings’ Fair Housing Commission, Ferdinand Feghoot was assigned to look into complaints that the town of Donnybrook was systematically excluding the fictive.The Mayor of Donnybrook was indignant. ‘That’s nonsense!’ he fumed. ‘Why, we have several families of Hobbits living here, the principal of our high school is an Elf, and one of our aldermen is an Orc.’Feghoot shook his head sadly. ‘That,’ he replied, ‘is only . . . Tolkien integration.'(By Alan Follett based on a character by Richard Bretner)