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Getting Home

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The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand’s wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, “Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you’ve got work to do.”

“Can’t,” mumbled Tex. “Too beat. Too tired. Can’t even lift my head.”

“Get the hell up!” she screamed in his ear. “I’ve seen you this hungover a thousand times.”

“Last night was different,” said the wretched fellow. “Some son of a bitch cut my horse’s head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!”

Bush and education

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“Education is not my top priority.”

“Education is my top priority.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” – Florence, S.C.,
Jan. 11, 2000

“A more literate country and a hope fuller country.”
“After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible
citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our
fantastic opportunistic society.” – Santa Clara, CA, May 1, 2002.
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test.” – February 21, 2001.
“Reading is the basics for all learning.”- Announcing his “Reading First”
initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000.

Christian Coalition Names for Breasts

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Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts – Mounds of Shame – Democrat Catchers – Pastor Baiters – Heavenly Canteens – Pearly Weights – Communion Woofers – Hooteronomies – Sweater Undulations – Beelzeboobs – Racks of lambs of God – Pamela 36:D – The Daughters of Lactiticus – Pizza Pizza – First and Second Mammalonians – NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

The Top 14 Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month

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14> Rousing game of Pin the Hair Plug on the CBS Late-Night Host.

13> Went to Blockbuster. Destroyed all the Pauly Shore movies.

12> Worked on our multi-dimensional matrix trying to resolve all the storyline and technical contradictions in the five “Star Trek” TV series. Again.

11> Walked into bars with a priest, a rabbi and a polar bear.

10> Tried to duplicate William Hung’s aura in hopes of getting a date.

9> Reported Mel Gibson to the copyright office for infringing on “Life of Brian.”

8> Cried ourselves to sleep waiting for Chris to validate our lives by giving us the Number 1 spot.

7> Every time George W. said “freedom” on TV, substituted the word “underpants.”

6> Passed around copies of the TopFive lists we made, explaining that even though we don’t get “paid,” we are considered “professional” humorists.

5> Gathered for a movieoke showing of “Blazing Saddles.”

4> Convened the annual TopFive Coven Gathering to worship at the Great White altar.

3> Performed extensive research to conclusively prove that, yes, wherever you go it’s about $25 — same as in town.

2> Michael Jackson-reference drinking contests

1> Same thing we do every month, Chester – tried to take over the world.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]