A lady walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk where the hindges are. He takes her to where they are and she immediately selects the one she needs. The clerk askes her if she wants a screw for the hindge—she says, “no, but I’ll blow you for the toaster on that shelf”.
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Acostado con su mujer, el
Acostado con su mujer, el ranchero Juan le acaricia los pechos a Lupe su mujer dici�ndole:
“�Sabes Lupe? Si estas dieran leche, vender�amos la vaca…”
Suspirando, Lupe le palmea la entrepierna y le dice:
“�Sabes Juan? Que si �sta aguantara m�s tiempo dura, entonces correr�amos al caporal…”
Bush and education
“Education is not my top priority.”
“Education is my top priority.”
“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” – Florence, S.C.,
Jan. 11, 2000
“A more literate country and a hope fuller country.”
“After all, it is where children from all over America learn to be responsible
citizens, and learn to have the skills necessary to take advantage of our
fantastic opportunistic society.” – Santa Clara, CA, May 1, 2002.
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test.” – February 21, 2001.
“Reading is the basics for all learning.”- Announcing his “Reading First”
initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000.
Getting Home
The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into town and proceeded to get thoroughly shit faced. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the hapless for a few more rounds.
The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowhand’s wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, “Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, you’ve got work to do.”
“Can’t,” mumbled Tex. “Too beat. Too tired. Can’t even lift my head.”
“Get the hell up!” she screamed in his ear. “I’ve seen you this hungover a thousand times.”
“Last night was different,” said the wretched fellow. “Some son of a bitch cut my horse’s head off, and I had to pull him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!”
How do you tell the difference between a liberal…
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout “swim for it!”
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.
Russian Vodka
Russian Vodka
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant
you one wish, anything that you want.”
The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.”
Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss
vodka.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s
clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So
he takes a taste and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.” She
comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that
she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to
get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses.
The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until
the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one
glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him
“Boris, why do we only need one glass?”
Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”
Clinton favorite place
What�s Clinton favorite place in the White House?
The Oval Orifice.
Proof for Knowledge, Power, Time, Work and Money
First, these basics Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3)Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5).Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work over Money.What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work Over Knowledge.From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know.Solving for Work, we get W = M K (7) Work equals Money times KnowledgeFrom equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work.Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Enemies to the West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
“How are we faring?” asks the king.
“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”
“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”
“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”
yo daddys so bald
Yo daddy is so bald, when he wears a turtleneck he looks like a broken condom.
Computer lingo guide
Dot Matrix – Eino Matrix’s wife
You’re a redneck … you can fart the
You’re a redneck if …. You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled
Banner.