Author: admin

Wise Chappie

Posted on by admin

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.

“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler.

The young man thought for a moment, and then ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: ‘To My One And Only Love’.

That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”

A blind man in Texas

Posted on by admin

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

The Nice Cop

Posted on by admin

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Five Questions Most Feared By Men

Posted on by admin

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: ” I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Sh&%.