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A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in
Disneyland produced some strange results.
Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.
Donald Duck likes Dr.Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.
Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.
But Snow White adores 7up.
What did the retard say when someone mooned him?
wow, i must be turning into a werewolf!!
Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A Woman’s Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when
they say things like, “You know sometimes I
forget to eat, now I’ve forgotten my address, my
mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.”
They say you shouldn’t say anything about
the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with
her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but
she doesn’t give a shit.
They keep telling us to get in touch with
our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative
but I heard from it the other day after I said,
“Body, how’d you like to go to the nine o’clock class
in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body
said, “Listen bitch … do it and you die.”
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
Gay, straight … they all want blow jobs.
I read this article that said the typical
symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking
too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret
is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their shit.
“If men can run the world, why can’t they
stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to
start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: ‘To My One And Only Love’.
That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
A guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks under his arm. the barman, a curious fellow, wants a word with the ducks but knows the man would object. after an hour, the man goes to the toilet.
“Hi, what’s your name,” he asks the first duck
“Luey”
“What you been doing today”
“I’ve been playing around in Puddles”
“Nice, and your are?” he askes the second
“Huey”
“And what have you been doing today?”
“I’ve been in and out of Puddles all day, and given the chance I’d do it again”
“Oh,” and to the last,” you must be Duey?”
“NO! I’m Puddles, and don’t you dare ask me how my days been!”
Editted by Curtis
Una mujer llama a su doctor para pedir una cita de emergencia pero se niega a decir a la secretaria cual es el problema, ya que se trata de “un asunto penoso”.
Ya en el consultorio del doctor, la conducen al cuarto de exploraciones y cuando el doctor llega, ella dice: “Doctor, estoy muy apenada por esto. Se supone que tendr�a que ir al ginec�logo por esto, pero no conf�o en nadie m�s que en usted.” El doctor accede a ayudarla y le hace un examen ginecol�gico.
“Me temo que no hay nada que yo pueda hacer,” dice el doctor. “Parece que usted tiene alg�n tipo de aparato electr�nico atorado muy dentro de su vagina, y no hay manera de que pueda sacarlo.”
“�Sacarlo? �Qui�n dijo algo acerca de sacarlo? �Lo que quiero es que le cambie las pilas!”
One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack, dies prematurely —
and goes straight to Hell. The Devil greets him, but says “I don’t know
exactly what to do with you. Of course you are on my list, so you will have
to stay — but you got here a little earlier than I expected and I don’t have
your room ready yet.”
The Devil thinks for a moment and says, “Tell you what I can do. There are a
couple folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you were. I can let one of them
go so long as you take their place. I’ll even let you decide who gets to
leave.”
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Bill said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think
I could be doing that all day long.”
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, over
and over again.
“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day,” said Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton�saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread
eagle position. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
His eyes widening in disbelief, Clinton grinned as he took in the whole
picture and said, “Oh yea, I know can handle this.”
The Devil nodded and smiled. “OK, Monica, you’re free to go!”
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
– Jack Nicholson
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
What happens when a clown has flatulency?
It smells funny.