Author: admin

Grandpa Gives a Lesson on Sex

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A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, “When you first get married, you want it all the time…and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year…maybe on your anniversary.”

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well, how about you and Grandma now?”

His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex.”

“What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.

“Well,” Grandpa said, “she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, ‘Screw You,’ and I holler back, ‘Screw You too!'”

Starting Early

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A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.”Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.”That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer.”I got laid when I was three.””What? How did that happen?””I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

Where Am I!!!

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM
I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally
useless answer!”

New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition

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New Year’s Resolutions.

I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven’t been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of “New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition”:

Resolution #1

1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

1994: I will not leave Marge.

1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2

1993: I will stop looking at other women.

1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.

1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

1996: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3

1993: I will not let my boss push me around.

1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4

1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.

1995: I will read 5 books a year.

1996: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5

1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.

1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.

1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.

1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6

1993: I will get my weight down below 180.

1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7

1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

1995: I will not become a “problem drinker”.

1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8

1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.

1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

Resolution #9

1993: I will see my dentist this year.

1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.

1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.

1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10

1993: I will go to church every Sunday.

1994: I will go to church as often as possible.

1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The…

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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when
he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him,

he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first
guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy
finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the
cord too long?”. The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but
what the heck is a pinata?”

Ur MoMMa’S So FaT…

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Your mommas so fat she got baptized at sea world.

Your mommas so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.

Your mommas so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and made a dollar.

Your mommas so fat she sat on a dollar n made george washington’s nose bleed.

Your mommas so fat it takes you the train and 2 buses to get to her other side.

Your mommas so fat people jog around her for exercise.

Your mommas so fat she looks at a menu she says OKAY!

Identical Horses

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There was a man who had two horses but he couldn’t tell the difference between them. He tried everything, but still could not tell the difference between them. Then another man came along and said, “I can measure them and then you would be able to tell the difference.” So, he measured them. the guy that owned the horses said, “well which one is bigger?” The other guy said “Well, the black horse is taller than the white horse!”

Insane Inmates at a Ball Game

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A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the
national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” and the inmates complied
by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” and they all sat. After a home run he
yelled, “Cheer nuts!” and they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking
things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving
his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.

Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well…
everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!'”

Bush and Powell Plan World War III

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Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman,
“Isn’t that Bush and Powell?”
The barman said, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walked over and said, “Hello. What are you guys doing?”

Bush said, “We’re planning World War III.”

The guy asked, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle
repairman.”

The guy exclaimed, “Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!”

Bush turned to Powell and said, “See, I told you no one would worry about the
10 million Iraqis!”