Ralph and Brian decide to go ice fishing.”This looks like a good spot Brian!” Said Ralph. So they stopped, and put there stuff up.”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Said a voice from up above…he looked up in amazement.”Well Brian I guess I was wrong. Lets check over there.” He silently thanked the man for telling them…he would have wasted all the time!!! But once he reached the next spot the voice said again”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” “Well… lets try over here.” They gathered their things and went over to another place.”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Said the voice again. Ralph looked up but saw only what he expected. “Hmm….ok thanks!” He screamed, and moved on. But again….the voice said”THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.” Ralph wondered for a second. Then he said”Are you God?” He asked. “NO I OWN THE SKATING RINK…..THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!!”
Author: admin
Cow With No Legs
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
The Christmas airport
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was
ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and
green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished
Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he
was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his
luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new
clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic
with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said
to the attendant, “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under
such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.”
“Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to
step forward for a kiss.”
“That’s not why it’s there.”
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
Q: How many Oregonians
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition
New Year’s Resolutions.
I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven’t been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of “New Year’s Resolutions – 1996 Edition”:
Resolution #1
1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1994: I will not leave Marge.
1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2
1993: I will stop looking at other women.
1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.
1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
1996: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3
1993: I will not let my boss push me around.
1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish Space.
Resolution #5
1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7
1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
1995: I will not become a “problem drinker”.
1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
Resolution #9
1993: I will see my dentist this year.
1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.
1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.
1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10
1993: I will go to church every Sunday.
1994: I will go to church as often as possible.
1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Why haven’t Women landed on the Moon?…
Why haven’t Women landed on the Moon?
– Because it dosen’t need cleaning yet!
One in a Million
What does a lawyer have in common with a spermatozoa?They both have about one chance in a million of becoming a human being.
Sits in the Forest
What’s brown and sits in the forest?Winnie’s Pooh.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The…
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the
second. “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is
a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything
they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they
are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly,
more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when
he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him,
he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first
guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy
finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the
cord too long?”. The first guy says, “No, the cord was fine, but
what the heck is a pinata?”
Un cubano regres� de Nueva
Un cubano regres� de Nueva York. Se encuentra a un amigo que le pregunta:
“Oye chico, �y que e’ lo que ma’ te gut� a ti de Niu Yolk?”
“Oye, chico, pue’ Madona”
“Ya lo creo chico, �Madona! �Qu� tetas! �Qu� culo! �La madre que la pari� a esa Madona!”
“No, chico, a m� lo que me guta de Madona son lo Big Mac, la papitas fritas, la soda y lo juguetito”.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Fez!Fez who?Fez me,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Fez!Fez who?Fez me, that’s who!
Where Am I!!!
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM
I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
the Seattle airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?
The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally
useless answer!”