The Russian Genie

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.”

The Russian begins thinking, “Well I really like drinking vodka.” Finally the Russian says, “I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.”

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.”

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him “Boris, why do we only need one glass?” Boris raises the glass and says, “Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.”

Who makes the best patient

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating
table.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside
them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when
the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Mime’s Job in the Zoo

One day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.

However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion’s cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help! Help me!”

The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.

The lion says, “Shut up you idiot or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

The Daiquiri

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

Heading for Trouble

A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm. The man thought,”Hey this is good.” So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm. The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes. The bartender looks over at the man and says,” Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.’

The dog ate it!

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted Johnny. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Bachelor

The bachelor finished his meal and placed his tip on the table. The waiter took one look at the 15 cents and said:”Thank you for your generosity. You can always tell the character of a diner by the way he tips.”

“Oh, really?” he said. “What do these five-cent coins tell you about me?”

“Well, yoe put the three coins in a row,” said the waiter. “That tells me you are tidy for starters. The first coin tells me you are frugal and the second coin tells me you are a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” said the diner, somewhat impressed. “And what does the third coin tell you?”

“That tells me your father was a bachelor too.”

Wet shoes

A ninety eight year old gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.

The doctor said: “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The man answered: “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”

The doctor said: “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said: “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex anymore I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

Computer problems? Follow these tips given

If someone says, “I can’t get to a web page.”

“Okay, what’s the page you are trying to get to?

[email protected]? Hmmm… I think I see the problem.”

“When you ask your operator to take you to www.ebay.com,

are you saying, ‘Please?'”

“Did you delete and icon labelled ‘The Internet’ from your computer?

You did? Well, it will take years to restore the entire Internet; in the

meantime, the F.B.I. would like to have a word with you.”