Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Author: admin
Two guys standing at the urinal.
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed
glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before!”
“Like what?” Ted said.
“All twisted like a pigs tail” Ed said.
“Well what’s yours like?” Ted said.
“Well straight like normal” Ed said.
“I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours” Ted said.
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Ted said.
“Shaking off the excess drops” Ed said. “Like normal.”
“Shit” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
Chicken Wire & Duct Tape
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey
boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of chicken wire.”
“What you gonna do with that?”
“Gonna catch some chickens.”
“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” The boy just
laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by,
dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy
walk by carrying something in his hand. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of duct tape.”
“What you gonna do with that?”
“Gonna catch me some ducks.”
“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks
by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks
caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like
a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ”Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“It’s a pussy willow.”
“Wait up…I’ll get my hat.”
Redneck Sex Test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False2. A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. True or False3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False14. Foetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False25. Oral Sex is when you sit and talk dirty to each other.
Car
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a
night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said
that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and
left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained
that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep
there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up
his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining
that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his
bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there
were the cows and the pig.
Gaining weight
Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator
Life is all wrong
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating…
You finish off as an orgasm.
Yo Mama Golden Arches
Yo’ mama like a Big Mac — full of fat and only worth a buck!
What’s The Angle
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’
‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’
Mayonaise
Q: What did the mayonsaise say to the refrigetrator?
A: Shut the door, I’m dressing!
Why did the chicken cross the road
Because he wanted to get to the other side
When to slap a midget?
When is the only polite time to slap a midget?
When he says, “Gee, your hair smells terrific.”