Yours Fun Portal !
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all
the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone
inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
“Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,
“God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to
create life out of nothing – in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell Me…” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of
you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting…show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the
shape of a man.
“No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
A deer hunter was hunting in West Virginia one sunny afternoon,
and after getting a kill, proceeded to drag the deer back to his
vehicle. On his way, he was stopped by a redneck game warden.
“Boy, I see you got you one of them deer today! But, I’m afraid
I have to check your license and make sure you’re on the
up-and-up.” So the man produces a valid license and upon it’s
return, proceeds towards his vehicle.
“Hold up, boy” says the warden, “I still gotta check that deer
there.” Puzzled and confused, the hunter stops. The warden then
steps up to the deer, shoves his finger up the deer’s ass, takes
it out and sniffs it. “Boy, I hate to tell you this, but this
deer is from Virginia and your license is from West Virgina…do
you have a Virginia license?” As luck would have it, the hunter
had one from the week before and showed it to the warden.
The next week, the same hunter got another kill and was headed
back to his vehicle. The same redneck warden stops him and asks
for a license. Once again, the hunter produces the license and
was once again told that the warden needed to check the deer.
The warden shoves his finger up the deer’s ass, takes it out and
sniffs it. “Boy, this here buck is from Georgia…do you have a
license from Georgia?” As luck would have it, he did have one in
his glove box and showed it to the warden.
The next week, the same thing happened with deer and licenses
being from Tennessee, South Carolina and Alabama. Finally, after
the Alabama deer, the warden asks the hunter…”Son, you got
licenses from practically every state in the south…where are
you from anyway?” With that, the hunter drops his pants, bends
over and says…”Why don’t you tell me?”
The 2000 Darwin awards!And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is…..(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to “live on Zionist time.” Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.
A man goes to the doctor and says “Doc, you gotta help me!” The doctor asks, “What’s your problem?” The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”… I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbour’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw……”So…????” asked the doctor.”What’s your problem???”The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate!”
Van un manco, un cojo y un parapl�jico al santuario de Lourdes, para ver si all� pueden curarles algo. Cuando llegan al manantial el manco decide meter el mu��n en el agua, al rato saca el brazo y ve que tiene la mano completa.
“�Dios m�o, gracias por este milagro, te rezar� todos los d�as!”
El cojo se queda alucinado y decide meter �l tambi�n la pierna; al cabo de un rato la saca y dice:
“�Dios m�o! �Milagro, mi pie vuelve a estar en su sitio y con todos sus dedos! �Gracias!”
Total que el parapl�jico dice:
“�Por favor, compa�eros, m�tanme a mi entero en el agua, a ver si yo tambi�n me curo!”
Sus amigos lo meten con todo y la silla de ruedas dentro del agua y un momento despu�s lo sacan.
“�Qu� pasa? �C�mo te sientes? �Intenta levantarte!”
El inv�lido pretende pararse, pero tras varios intentos se rinde:
“No puedo, esto no ha servido de nada”.
Y dicen sus amigos:
“�C�mo que no ha servido de nada? �Mira tu silla: rines de aluminio, espejo retrovisor y con motorcito!”
Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: “Yahoo!”
Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Jessica!Jessica who?Jessica more than I thought!
Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says “your homework is to work out the difference between potential and reality”.Jimmy goes home and has no idea ,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she says”don`t tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid.” Jimmy goes and tells his dad all this and his dad says “Go and ask your little sister if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid” he asks his sister and she says “don`t tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid” Jimmy goes and tells his dad this and his dad says “There you go Jimmy , thats the difference between potential and reality.Potentially we`re sitting on two million quid, in reality we`re living with a couple of slags”.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear.
I told him I was shiftless.
-Jay London
Seven Degrees Of Blonde
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.” the second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? “Is it mine?”
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously,
she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. “My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”