Yours Fun Portal !
I work at an ISP doing tech support. The most common question I get are
from “hillbilly” callers. Most of them don’t know that they are even
connected…. On the bright side a few of them do…only to *sigh*
comment, “I got a really fast connection, but I thought there was so much
more to the Internet than this damn clock.”
My favorite has been from former AOL users, “I’ve been watching this clock
ticking for about an hour and a half and nothing has happened yet!”
Mary Poppins has retired from her days as a nanny and currently resides in
Venice Beach, CA, where she predicts cases of bad breath for her clients.
Her sign outside her office reads: “Super California Mystic, Expert:
Halitotsis”
A man walked into a shop and found the clerk stalking flies with a fly swatter. “Have you gotten any?”he asked. The clerk replied, “Yeah. Three males and two females.””How do you tell the difference?”the man asked curiously. “Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone!”
yo mama so poor, that her tits are real!
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: None: They can’t remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
Q: What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
A: Iceberg.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear.
I told him I was shiftless.
-Jay London
Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road? A: “Yahoo!”
15> Roses are red, violets are blue.
Al Gore’s out of work, and so are you.
14> Your writing was great!
Such a way with cards!
Now please leave quietly
Or we’ll call the guards.
13> We all know that you’re valuable,
You do so many things,
But we found someone for half your pay
With dreads and eyebrow rings.
12> Your poems were sublime!
Your work left us gaspin’!
But the prez wants to build
A new condo in Aspen!
11> Roses are red, violets are blue.
I wouldn’t get sick, if I were you:
You’ve lost your job, and your insurance, too.
10> Get Re-employed Soon!
9> We realize that on this solemn day,
A part of our company goes with you.
We strongly suggest that you put it back.
Signed, the guys in Security.
8> Don’t think of it as getting older.
Think of it as dying penniless after a meal of Alpo on toast.
7> You are invited to a layoff!
Date: Today
From: Management
For: Restructuring
Bring: Your belongings
6> During your times of suffering, when you could see only one
set of footprints, it was then that you had your feet on
the desk and your lazy ass was playing Minesweeper.
5> At writing cute poems, you were the bomb,
But now we suggest: monster.com.
4> We hope this friendly greeting card
Will ease your post-job tension,
At least until you find that we
Have pissed away your pension.
3> In order to replace your work,
We’ll have to count on Tom.
We’re sure that he can handle
Surfing redhotbuns.com
2> Your work was really wonderful,
But we have to boost our stock.
We’re really sad to see you go —
Please don’t rampage with your Glock.
1> You’ve been a great employee,
So diligent and true.
But there is no “i” in “our team,”
And now there is no “u.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]A deer hunter was hunting in West Virginia one sunny afternoon,
and after getting a kill, proceeded to drag the deer back to his
vehicle. On his way, he was stopped by a redneck game warden.
“Boy, I see you got you one of them deer today! But, I’m afraid
I have to check your license and make sure you’re on the
up-and-up.” So the man produces a valid license and upon it’s
return, proceeds towards his vehicle.
“Hold up, boy” says the warden, “I still gotta check that deer
there.” Puzzled and confused, the hunter stops. The warden then
steps up to the deer, shoves his finger up the deer’s ass, takes
it out and sniffs it. “Boy, I hate to tell you this, but this
deer is from Virginia and your license is from West Virgina…do
you have a Virginia license?” As luck would have it, the hunter
had one from the week before and showed it to the warden.
The next week, the same hunter got another kill and was headed
back to his vehicle. The same redneck warden stops him and asks
for a license. Once again, the hunter produces the license and
was once again told that the warden needed to check the deer.
The warden shoves his finger up the deer’s ass, takes it out and
sniffs it. “Boy, this here buck is from Georgia…do you have a
license from Georgia?” As luck would have it, he did have one in
his glove box and showed it to the warden.
The next week, the same thing happened with deer and licenses
being from Tennessee, South Carolina and Alabama. Finally, after
the Alabama deer, the warden asks the hunter…”Son, you got
licenses from practically every state in the south…where are
you from anyway?” With that, the hunter drops his pants, bends
over and says…”Why don’t you tell me?”