Author: admin

To a woman it’s foreplay…

Posted on by admin

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, ”What are doing taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, ”You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier”. The husband said, ”No, not at all.” The wife then asked,” Well, what were you doing then?” ”I couldn’t turn the pages of my book.”

A fellow was suffering from constipation,…

Posted on by admin

A fellow was suffering from constipation, so his doctor perscribed
suppositories

A week later he was back at the doctor’s complaining his constipation
had gotten worse, not better.

The doctor asked “Have you been taking the suppositories regularly?”

“What do you think I’ve been doing,” said the fellow, “Shoving them up
my ass?”

Relationship Score Card!

Posted on by admin

1) SIMPLE DUTIES- You go out to buy her flowers: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It’s her cat: -10 2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS- You visit her parents: +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:-6 And you didn’t even go to college: -10 And it’s not really your underwear: -15 4) HER BIRTHDAY- You take her out to dinner: 0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 5) THOUGHTFULNESS You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Detroit: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -1 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -200 7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU You go see a comic: +2 He’s crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She’s not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 8) DRIVING You lose the directions on a trip: -4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 9) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV: +10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -50

How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale

Posted on by admin

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.5. Always go to the bathroom first.6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.7. Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.