Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? SO GAY GUYS CAN PLAY STAR WARS AT NIGHT
Author: admin
“What sign should we put up?”
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town’s fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to, “Hysterias and Posteriors.”This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go, so they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again, so they tried “Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive.” Still not good, so they tried “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again, so they tried “Lost Souls and Assholes.” Still no go. Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks” or “Loons and Moons” work either.They finally settled on…”Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends.”
Wish Fulfillment
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
as the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband: “when you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going
through your mind?”
the husband replied: “all i wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck
your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “what are you thinking now?”
he replied: “it looks like i did a pretty good job.”
Vice-president of the United States.
Q: What’s the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Soviet Physician
What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand
for?
Mentally deficient.
Layway Fries
Yo mama is so poor she has fries in layaway at McDonalds!
The Top 14 Signs the Glass Is Half Empty
14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir — to his dotcom stock.
13> You’ve written some of the world’s greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.
12> Despite your thirst, you can’t even drink the half that’s there, due to your biohazard mask.
11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery — for breast *reduction*.
10> Olsen twins’ “wetland areas” are “now open for drilling,” but the girls aren’t interested in your tubby old ass.
9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: “Prospects look dim.”
8> You finally confirmed that it’s your wife, not you, who is infertile — by impregnating your mistress.
7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.
6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won’t vote to let you invade Paris.
5> Ringo is still alive.
4> Your wife’s conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the “Freakbang ’02” video.
3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.
2> You’ve found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, “Vive La France.”
1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Actual Control Tower Conversations
November 22, 1996 – Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern
told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (does a complete circle, usually done to
provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know
it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?”
Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth.”
*************************
November 15, 1996 – What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for
departure. PSA called the tower and said “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a
little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.”
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to
object to the impersonation.
*************************
November 8, 1996 – Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly
long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too
high…San Jose
Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take
the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.”
*************************
November 1, 1996 – Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers.
The term was “GIB,” and stood for “Guy In Back.” The term was strictly
unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems
that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the
discovery that a “gib” is a castrated tomcat.
*************************
October 11, 1996 – What Is That Thing? It was a really nice day, right about
dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in
order to land at Kansas City…
KC Approach: “Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock
and three miles.
“Three-two-Charlie: “We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.”
KC Approach: “Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock
and three miles. Do you have that traffic?
“Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) “Well… I’ve got
something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.”
*************************
September 6, 1996 – Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7.”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we
lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7…
Did you copy the report from Eastern?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635 cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied
Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”
*************************
June 28, 1996 – No, That’s not what I Said! O’Hare Approach Control: “United
329, traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker
in sight.”
He died
The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold
weather insufficiently clad. �There was one a boy,� he said, �who was so eager
to go out and play with his sled that he didn�t put a coat or scarf on; he
caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!�
The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small
voice said, �What happened to the sled �.?�
Disney divorce
micky and minnie in the divorce courts , the judge turns to mickey and says, u can`t divorce minnie for having bucked teeth, he replies, i didnt say that i said that she was fecking goofy
The more things change, the
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
little johnny
Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, “Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.”
Little Johnny asked his dad, “Well, then what does it look like after sex?”
His dad replied, “Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?”