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Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are at
an
International Summit meeting in Paris.
They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks ” L’apperitif?”
All of them answer “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedillo. “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin. “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. ” Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t mention that bitch.”
A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D – DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E – EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
F – FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G – GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H – HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I – INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J – JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
K – KISS: Mom’s medicine.
L – LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M – MAYBE: No.
N – Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
O – OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
P – PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q – QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R – REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S – SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T – TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”.
U – UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V – VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W – WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X – XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
Y – “YIPPEE!”: What mother’s shout the first day of school.
Z – ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Mouse – What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!
There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, ”What are doing taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, ”You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier”. The husband said, ”No, not at all.” The wife then asked,” Well, what were you doing then?” ”I couldn’t turn the pages of my book.”
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?A: Write ‘pp, espressivo’.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town’s fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to, “Hysterias and Posteriors.”This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go, so they tried “Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again, so they tried “Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive.” Still not good, so they tried “Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again, so they tried “Lost Souls and Assholes.” Still no go. Nor did “Analysis and Anal Cysts,” “Nuts and Butts,” “Freaks and Cheeks” or “Loons and Moons” work either.They finally settled on…”Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends.”
This really tough Hells-Angel type bursts into a bar and strides up to the middle of the bar. He orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people at the left end of the bar and growls “All you down there… You’re all a bunch of queer cock suckers!” he gulps down a second beer and turns to the right side of the bar. “You’re all a bunch of stupid mother fuckers.”
All is still for a moment until a guy at the right end gets up. The Hells Angel says “Where the fuck you going?”
The guy says “I’m at the wrong end of the bar.”
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.”
The men left the doctor’s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor’s words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, “If you bend over to pick that up, we’re both dead.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir — to his dotcom stock.
13> You’ve written some of the world’s greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.
12> Despite your thirst, you can’t even drink the half that’s there, due to your biohazard mask.
11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery — for breast *reduction*.
10> Olsen twins’ “wetland areas” are “now open for drilling,” but the girls aren’t interested in your tubby old ass.
9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: “Prospects look dim.”
8> You finally confirmed that it’s your wife, not you, who is infertile — by impregnating your mistress.
7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.
6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won’t vote to let you invade Paris.
5> Ringo is still alive.
4> Your wife’s conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the “Freakbang ’02” video.
3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.
2> You’ve found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, “Vive La France.”
1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Do you like apples? Yes. Good me too. Wanna fuck?