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Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Scissor!
Scissor who?
Scissor and Cleopatra!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Scold!
Scold who?
Scold outside!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Scott!
Scott who?
Scott to be the morning after!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Sebastian!
Sebastian who?
Sebastion of the community!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Senior!
Senior who?
Senior so nosy, I’m not going to tell you!
In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, “Darling, it’s so cold!”
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and
carefully tucked it around his wife’s body. After a while, the wife woke him
once again, “My dear, it’s so hot here.” The husband jumped out of bed and
rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and
said, “My love, I want a man.”
“But be reasonable,” the husband said. “Where can I find a man in the middle
of night?”
Sam stayed with his grandmother when his parents went to Mexico for their vacation. “We are going to bring you back something nice,” his mother told him. “It will be a surprise.”Before they came home, Sam’s parents looked for something Sam would like. All they could find was a beautiful sombrero. It cost too much. But that afternoon, while they were eating their lunch in a park, they decided to buy the sombrero after all. Sam’s father threw what was left of their sandwiches to some stray dogs, and they walked back to the marketplace.One of the animals followed them. It was a small, gray creature with short hair, short legs, and a long tail. Wherever they went, it went too.”Isn’t he cute!” Sam’s mother said. “He must be one of those Mexican Hairless dogs. Sam would love him.” “He’s probably somebody’s pet,” Sam’s father said. They asked several people if they knew who its owner were, but no one did. They just smiled and shrugged their shoulders. Finally, Sam’s mother said, “Maybe he’s just a stray. Let’s take him home with us. We can give him a good home, and Sam will love him.”It is against the law to take a pet across the border, but Sam’s parents hid the animal in a box, and no one saw it. When they got home, they showed it to Sam.”He’s a pretty small dog,” said Sam.”He’s a Mexican dog,” his father said. “I’m not sure what kind. I think it’s called a Mexican Hairless. We’ll find out. But he’s nice, isn’t he?”They gave the new pet some dog food. Then they washed it and brushed it and combed it’s fur. That night it slept on Sam’s bed. When Sam awakened the next morning, his pet was still there.”Mother,” he called, “the dog has a cold.” The animal’s eyes were running, and there was something white around its mouth. Later that morning Sam’s mother took it to a vet.”Where did you get him?” the vet asked.”In Mexico,” she said. “We think he’s a Mexican Hairless. I was going to ask you about that.””He’s not Hairless,” the vet said. “He’s not even a dog. He’s a sewer rat-and he has rabies!!”–Editor’s Note: No, it’s not a true story�
We’re off to see the wizard….The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.”WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I had a terrible time with Iran, so I’ve come for some courage.””NO PROBLEM!” says the Wizard, “WHO IS NEXT?”Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well..,Well.., Well.., I … think I need a brain”.”DONE” says the Wizard. “WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?”Up steps George Bush sadly, “I’m told by the American people that I need a heart.””I’VE HEARD ITS TRUE.” says the Wizard. “CONSIDER IT DONE.”Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn’t say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?””Is Dorothy around?”
A child comes to her blonde mother and he says to her:
Child: Do you know how death a blonde?
The mother sees him with a funny smile and say: I don`t know….
The Child : You place a mirror in the ground of the pool.
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are at
an
International Summit meeting in Paris.
They go to a restaurant, and the waiter asks ” L’apperitif?”
All of them answer “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedillo. “Le tequila?”
Zedillo: “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin. “Le vodka?”
Yeltsin: “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton. ” Le whisky?”
Clinton: “Don’t mention that bitch.”
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de
children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word?
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT! What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the
Oval Office.
He said, “Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room
in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!”
“Yes Sir, Mr. President,” the interior decorator replies. “I’ll take those
mirrors out right away!”
A U.S. Marine got lost in the desert of Somalia during the fighting there.
He was thirsty, dirty, and sexually frustrated. He stumbled upon an old
lantern, rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. The
marine thought about it and asked, “I would like lots of water, lots of
it. I want be clean, so clean that I turn white. And I want to see lots of
asses.”
The genie thought about it and replied, “Your wish is my command.” With a
snap of the genie’s finger, the Marine turns into a toilet seat–lots of
water, white and lots of asses.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started
massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front
turned and snarled, “Just what the hell you are doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “you see, I’m a chiropractor and I could tell that you
were tense, so I thought I’d massage your back”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the
IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw “911” on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.
Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ??
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
A – Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B – BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C – COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D – DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E – EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
F – FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G – GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H – HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I – INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J – JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
K – KISS: Mom’s medicine.
L – LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.
M – MAYBE: No.
N – Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “like a tramp.”
O – OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.
P – PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
Q – QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
R – REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
S – SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
T – TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”.
U – UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
V – VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.
W – WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
X – XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.
Y – “YIPPEE!”: What mother’s shout the first day of school.
Z – ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.